This is almost a year old and I just realized that I never posted it. When I reread it, I understood why. It was so personal and was so close to me that I felt it was an over share. After a while I thought, what's more beautiful than raw emotion? I was in a really crazy space when I wrote it and I'm so glad I got my head right. Not everyone is worthy of your love. Don't convince yourself that you need and want something. If it's real, you won't have to.  

It's crazy how much is revealed with time. How much things change. How life becomes so rearranged.

Oddly enough, not too much time has gone by. Not too much has transpired for our love to go awry.

What happened? Why us? If only I could turn back the hands... Never mind, shit isn't possible so no point in even going that route. We can switch paths. It's allowed.

But only if we're going together. As long as it's both of us facing this ever-changing weather.

That's the only way. As I lay here reminiscing, I can't help but wonder.. What has stolen our sunshine & replaced it with dark clouds and thunder.

The rumble is discouraging. I don't like it. I knew that it wasn't going to be easy but it wasn't supposed to be this hard. I knew it would take some dedication and work. We knew this. Maybe we should've prepared a little better.

Do we stay? Do we walk away? Revisit it at a later date? We can't let outside influences determine our fate.

October 16 meant something to me.

It meant something to us.

You told me you loved me.

I know I didn't say it back right away but I knew you'd soon earn that. I knew you'd make me the happiest woman alive. When I said I had already met the person id be marrying, I felt exactly that. There was no denying that feeling. That feeling is still alive.

The excitement I get when I see your name. The butterflies I get when I smell your cologne. The blushing that occurs when I reread your messages. The smile I display when I think of us.

Each waking day, each sleepless night, it's your love that I long for. It's your kissing. It's your touch. Am I expecting too much?

Where has the passion gone? There's no way these feelings can be wrong.

How do we fix it? How do we make it right? I'm not ready to just turn out our relationship light.

The flame still burns. As low as it may be, it's there. Waiting for us to pick up where we left off. No need for the dramatic explosives and fireworks, I just want us to work.

If you love me & I love you, let rise above it all. Take my hand & my heart. Walk with me. Together we can find this happy place.

We've been there before. Now it's time to find a different road there. Change is good. Take a moment and trust.

Step out of this comfort zone so we can build a comfortable home.

Together.

Lets collectively give more than we take. Let's make the needed changes so the rest of our forever can be great.

Everyone loves and supports you until it's time to physically do it. It ranges from a simple retweet or like to an appearance or open ear. You can't help but to think if maybe they missed it on their timeline, if they really don't like it or if it isn't "cool" or popular enough to mention.

I'm no expert but word of mouth will probably remain the best form of advertising and marketing. What I do know is that I'm more likely to check something new out if a friend or relative is the one who tells me about it. Why? They are verifiable. Someone you know vouching for something is sometimes all it takes for you to at least check it out.

These days, everyone is so stingy with support as if there's a limit to the number of things and people you can support at the same time. How do you think small business grow? I'll wait. It's pretty obvious that everyone doesn't have some major entity backing them out of the gate or a whole lot of money to spend on advertising as well as all of the other things that come with owning and operating a business. This goes for lemonade stands to liquor stores to international chains, they all started somewhere. "A dollar and a dream" is a start but it definitely takes more than that. You need determination, perseverance and of course, the support of others. The biggest battle is usually getting up enough courage to even start a journey you may fail. Second to that is telling those around you who you think will support you with no doubts. People are quick to nod and be "Yes men" but imagine only 2 of the 10 people you told supporting you 100%. What is a song that no one listens to or a book that no one reads? That has to hurt.

The funny/sad part is, people are so quick to criticize large corporations because of their business practices and lack of morals yet no one supports local business. More importantly, Black owned businesses fail at a significantly higher rate than any other race. You (myself included) can't complain about things you aren't willing to help change. Each one teach one. I can post a picture at the beach or going out for the night and get 100 likes with no problem but if I advertise and promote my business or that of another, getting 20 likes is a struggle. Why?

Excuse us if we're sensitive about our shit. Show real love or keep the fake stuff to yourself.

Why is it so easy to sell ourselves short? So easy to settle for a lot less than what we know we should be getting? There comes a time when we have to let go of the BS, the chaos, the headache & heartbreak. For example, you meet someone and end up hanging out with them for the next 3 days. You go back to your normal lives and they tell you we need to talk. Turns out, they have a live-in partner. Now for you, you're probably thinking, how the hell does this slip your mind? As you're listening to the rest, you see some good in the situation.  You're already comfortable (sorta) and you don't feel like starting over. They're cool to talk to and fun to hang it with so you try to rationalize and justify not burning the bridge. Why? Are there no other cool, fun people to hang out with? They express their growing feelings but also make it clear that they are in a serious situation and don't want to step on toes. Who's toes are we speaking of because clearly, it isn't mine and I'm sure that I should be caring about ME and how EYE feel about things.

For whatever reason, you continue. You meet up, have some drinks and before you know it, you're back at their place. How strange is this? We're only here because your live-in is currently out of town. How is it so comfortable for you to have someone else laying in their spot? Who would one be comfortable laying in their spot? How are you so comfortable answering the phone and lying while there's someone else next to you? So many questions that wont be answered any time soon. You repeat this a few times and the its back to normal. You text and speak at random times of the day but not after business hours since WE should be "respecting" the other part of the situation. Now you have to work around a schedule you don't even give a fuck about mainly because you like the convo and outings with this person and you aren't sure you're ready to give it up. Why? It's not like you can paint the town every week since you live in the same area. How long do you think it will take for that to hit the fan? Before people really get hurt?

Slowly, you drift away from it all. A light went off in your head that you deserve more. You deserve to be courted, wined and dined. You deserve calls and texts throughout the day and night. You should have someone to call your own. Why would you want to continue with someone who so nonchalantly disregards their long-term situation? Not to say you aren't worth getting to know but it should be on your terms. It should make you smile in the morning not hope that you'll get a few minutes of their double life.

I say that to say, don't waste time with space fillers because you're bored. Not much usually comes from it. I'm sure there are other things to do other than discount your greatness. You entertaining foolishness and dead ends is possibly whats putting  a damper on the fire that's trying to spark elsewhere. Being alone to figure things out isn't a bad thing. So instead of phonebook flipping and juggling 5 conversations, focus on yourself or the one you truly want. Trust me, you'll miss out on more by wasting time.

Think about all of the words that you've worked so hard to put into sentences, to make sense, to explain how you feel. You see all of those words? Save them. Save them for the day that they're needed. Save them for a situation that's well fitted. Save them for eternity. Not to sound like a bitch but sometimes we talk too much. Depending on the situation, these words that you've taken all of this time to situate may hurt more than help. Let's sit back and think about it for a minute. What will it do to us? What will it bring? What will it ruin? Let's not. Not now. Not ever, possibly.

Maybe those lines have been blurred for a reason. Don't fix what's not broken right? But what if it could be better? More questions that we need not answer. More emotional soup that need not be stirred. More of everything that we don't not want. Double negative placement.

Is it for you or for me because this can't be for us. Nothing thus far has led me to believe that this is right. It doesn't even feel right. We become selfish and engulfed in our own fantasies and wishes that we forget that there is another person who may suffer from our wants.

Speak your mind, they said. It will help, they said. It didn't. Now we're stuck in an awkward place that no one knows how to escape. I’m not running. I'm just not going in that direction.

Can we think about ME for a second? How am I going to feel? How am I supposed to continue as "normal"? What the fuck is normal anyway? It wouldn't be fair to say you want to see someone happy but you aren't happy with what could possibly make them happy since it doesn't make YOU happy. If that makes sense.

Let's just leave it where it lies and go in a direction that leaves clarity and understanding.

Every once in a while, I’ll ask a few of my friends for a topic to write about. So when I asked last night, I received a few way different ideas. Jay told me to write about Freedom. Naturally, I’m like WTF? That’s not really specific. In turn he said, “The freedom of bettering yourself. Not holding yourself back”. A light blub came on as soon as I read that message.

The thing about writing is that there’s no wrong way to say how YOU feel. When you write, they may not appreciate your honesty or opinion but it’s yours and you own that shit. How can you tell me what I’m saying isn’t important? I don’t give a damn if YOU think it isn’t because when I wrote it, it meant something to me. I may write fast but if I write about it, I’ve put a lot of thought and energy into it. I don’t write for the likes or RT’s. Shit, most of the stuff doesn’t even get RT’s. But it may be the one thing that one person who read it needed to hear.

There’s not enough time in the day or care in the world for me to want to sugar coat things. If I write it, its usually in raw form. It’s extremely rare for me to alter anything because of how it will be perceived. Take it or leave it. You love it, hate it or feel indifferently about the topic at a hand.

It took me quite some time to start the project that I’m working on. Not because I didn’t have anything to talk about but I was giving too much of a damn about what people would think. Not strangers because I never really give a fuck about what people who don’t personally know me think. People as in MY people. People I speak to daily, weekly, monthly, ever. People who know me. Or people who think they do. How can I let people take away my freedom? Why would I? I knew that what I had to say was worth way more than an opinion. I knew that since I was a child, writing was my outlet. Writing was my savior. Writing set me free from any and everything that was wrong. Yes, I’d have to still face it but writing gave me the power to say what I want, feel what I want and not have to answer anyone’s questions or deal with their complaints. Writing gave me the space I needed to sort thing out. If I didn’t have $10, Writing would still be free. Freedom.

Writing. Simply put, it’s the shit. I have so many notebooks. Old, new, plain, fancy, everything. I love the freedom of choosing which one I want to deal with that day. I can go from PC to phone to good ol pen and paper (my personal favorite). So when I write, I take it seriously. I’m always trying to get better. Always thinking of new things for ME to write about. II t doesn’t matter if the topic has been visited hundreds of times by hundreds of people, It’s MY writing that matters.

For ME, there’s nothing more satisfying than finishing a piece. Its like a sigh of relief. Whether its finishing a post, and email, or a journal entry. To me, that’s what I do it for. Yes, I have a circle of people who love to read what I write. There are others who have no idea that I write. But in the end, I know everyone will know. So whatever it is that YOU do, make sure you set yourself free and take advantage of your freedom. Make sure that when you do it, you can stand by it. Make sure you love what you’re doing.

It was only a matter of time after you had entered my mind that you'd make the next entry. You had just the right touch to unlock the Pearly Gates. 
You knocked. You entered. You're here. Flesh to flesh. Face to face. 
You seem colossal next to my small frame. I'm swallowed by your warm embrace.  
The level of comfort was so natural. You took your time but made your eagerness known. 
The firmness of your gentle voice. The intensity of your soft touch. 
And just like that, still, waters began to roar. Waves crashed against the shore. 
Your words still guide and manipulate my mind, body, and soul. Is it possible for two familiar strangers to be this aligned?
The television plays at a medium tone. The bathroom light peaks around the corner. With phones beeping, buzzing and ringing, this concentration can't be broken. 
I'd love to see your face, but at the moment you're having an in-depth convo with my lower lips. Explicitly speaking to my inner soul. Telling and showing us all of the things you're capable of doing. All of the feelings you are capable of evoking. By the feel of things, I think you may have bilingually explained it all in full detail.
They say the tongue is a powerful weapon, but you've decided to use it for good instead of evil. You use it to locate the treasure that had been longing to be found. Unlocking a liquid language that only better prepares us for what has yet to cum. 
We transition. 
Somehow, we end up becoming a human display of every one's favorite numbers. 
It seems like we're ready but not until I show you the same appreciation that you've shown me. It's only right.
It's your turn to relax. A kiss on the head is an action of endearment. Sometimes you have to ease your way into (or onto) a situation. 
It's not long before we say "Fuck this." 
We meant that in every sense of the word. Mentally and physically. 
Who would've thought that the mental and physical would be so close? 
We knew this would be explosive, but this was more than sexing. This was a meeting of both our bodies and minds. 
For every stroke the body took, the mind took two. The intensity was too real. 
When the time came, so did we. There was no denying or hiding this. The evidence was obvious. 
As the electric leg spasms slow down to a slow twitch, the tunnel vision starts to widen. The surrounds begin to reappear. Sounds are now audible. 
You walk away only to return with a warm washcloth. You are the real MVP. 
This may be the real thing. 
And the day we should meet again, I'll have no expectations because I know whether everything or nothing should happen, the connection is better than any physical encounter. 
BUT... that doesn't mean it shouldn't happen again and again and again.

Have you ever been mentally fucked? If not, I must say, it's an unexplainable feeling. Something you feel deep within. Something that you can't duplicate. You FEEL it with every sense. You FEEL it in every part of you. 

When you experience the mental before the physical, it's almost ineffable. How can a person do that to you? Either you'll be scared out of your mind, or you'll be taken to ecstasy. Taken to a place that you never thought existed & never imagined visiting. Taken to euphoria. And the moment you get there, you'll never want to leave. Never settle for anything less. Never tolerate mediocrity. 

When you feel it, you'll never want to feel any other way. 

Mind fucked. 

Brain banged.  

Cerebral smashed. 

Each conversation goes deeper and deeper. Increasing in intensity with every answered call, every read text. Each spoken word feels like they're laying you down gently on your back. The dialogue spreads your legs and pulls your hips down. As they enter, You let out that first contact deep breath. The first stroke sets the tone. The pace quickens. Your breathing is all out of whack. But that's ok because your bodies are in sync. You bite your lip. Your eyes roll back. You try to escape, but it feels too good to end it this early. Loosen up & enjoy it. You open up a little wider. They can see that you're into it, that you want it, that your body is responding. Before you can realize all that's happening, you notice that you've switched positions three times. It just keeps getting better. Neither one of you is letting up. Going tit for tat. Blow for blow. Stroke for stroke. We know where this is going. The grunts become louder. The light moans become mild screams. The both of you are ready. Neither of you can fight it any longer. 

Reaching for the stars just gained a new meaning. This place seems familiar yet new. You've never had it like THIS. You win & do a victory lap. You've earned it. You deserved this. 

Nobody can take that from you. 

You sit back and smirk. 

So while you're thinking back on the past and wondering if you've ever felt anything this good, this real, just laughs and roll over. This nap is going to be good. Those who are capable of mind fucking us are rare. Enjoy it while it's here. 

Preparing For Round 2

For some, dreams (or nightmares) are just one’s mind escaping reality and going off into another world. To others, it’s the universe's way of warning or alerting you of things that are ahead or need to be addressed. In both cases, I agree. Sometimes you have to take the necessary elements out of the dream (or nightmare) and apply it to life.

Lately, I’ve been having all kinds of weird dreams, and I had written them off because some night these crazy dreams would come after I’d been out drinking. I’m sure alcohol alters your dreaming mind as well. But last night was different. I’d been completely sober. Not a sip. For me, a lot of my dreams are reoccurring. Same concept, same people, same situations. Just a lot of the same things happening. Maybe this is because there is a lot of repetitive things going on in life. Not to say that I’m at a standstill or stagnant but, things are just the same.

Last night, I slept on my friend's couch because I managed to lock my keys in my apartment the day before. So instead of enjoying the calming Downtown Miami breeze from the 24th-floor balcony, I woke up from my dream slapping and swatting myself. Had a crazy dream about a swarm of mosquitos attacking me in the back of a taxi. I wasn’t in there alone, but they were only bothering me. I made sure I had gone over the details of my dream before I forgot it. I Googled it, and of course, there were interpretations for my dream.

Dream Forth says, 

To dream of mosquitoes implies that you are being used and manipulated by others. They are exhausting you emotionally and mentally. It also means that you will use all of your efforts to defend yourself against their assaults. 
To dream that you are killing mosquitoes indicates that you will be able to prevail over hardships to gain wealth and joy.
You know how sometimes you are fully aware of your current situation, but you neglect to address or rectify it? That’s how I felt reading that. It told me EVERYTHING I already knew but served as a reinforcement. Sometimes you just need someone or something else to remind you of what you already know.

I’ve let go and gained a lot in the last 12 months, and it often seems like the more you do for people, the more you take from yourself. A lot of us get so caught up in helping others that we fail to keep our happiness and wellbeing first. When you are such a giving and kind-hearted person, It's hard just to stop helping people. Help may not always be monetary even though most of the time when people ask for things, It is in the form of money or material things. Some people need you to take them places. Go with them places. Listen to them all day. Always be available when they need you. The list goes on. But when you need something, it's not feasible. Unfair.

Sadly, some people will let you bury yourself alive and do nothing to help. For them, they got what they needed, and there will be someone else to help them when (& I mean WHEN because I know they will) they need it. For you, You are up Shit’s Creek without a paddle or raft. You sink. All for a good deed. For you, you may resent people and refuse to help another due to one (or more) person taking advantage and not giving a fuck enough to lend a helping hand.

So to make this simple:

Learn to say no. Learn to be selfish. Learn to put yourself first. And finally, if a mosquito should come close enough to you that it becomes bothersome, distance yourself or kill it.