I know there's more to you than the man that I see. Who are you really, when you're not with me?

Behind the scenes there's a person so sour, so foul. You've put on quite a show so I guess you can take your bow.

At first, its not you, its me. Maybe I'm just not what you had in mind. Seems like you were ready to take all of the help that you could find.

Even if it meant hurting innocent people. Even if it meant almost turning the purest heart into something evil.

They say you live and learn, have no regrets. Fuck what they're talking about, they didn't live through this stress.

They didn't have lonely days and sleepless nights. They didn't try to make amends after every fight. They didn't feed you, house you or make sure that you're alright.

Yet and still, you still chose them over your so called Queen. I should've minimized your chances when that dirty mirror became clean.

By clean I don't mean that you told the truth behind your lies. Clean as in I saw the malice in your eyes.

No regrets my ass! I'd take it all back if I could. If I had the chance for a "do over", with no hesitation, I would.

No regrets? Bitch, please. It's hard for me to to even call a man (well let's say male) a bitch but BITCH you got me fucked up and I use it as I see fit.

You must be some big time player with all of the people you fuck over. I lived everyday near drunk until my heart would feel sober.

So drunk to the point that I couldn't feel the excruciating pain. So faded to the point that I couldn't remember your name.

It was me who came running in your many times of need. It was me racing home with a need for speed.

A liar, a cheater, deceiver, heart breaker. If it came down to it, you'd be the giver and the taker.

Giving your ass to kiss, giving multiple lies, taking my love for granted and ignoring my cries.

You were only "the man" in the eyes of others. I saw your soul. I saw your true colors.

I'm glad that I'm not "her" because I know I deserve more. Why wasn't I stronger sooner to show you the door?

After all was said and done, I still tried to find meaning. After the lies, the bitches and fights, I still tried to find reason.

When the lights turned on, everything started looking funny. Nothing you said held any merit, no true intentions of returning the money.

Glad that its over, glad I'm not your girl. I should've listened closer when Foxy said "Let no lame nigga rule your world".

You reap what you sow so I hope that you're ready.  You should have a dolly in tow because this package will be heavy.

There will be no more contact. No reaching out to your momma. There's a special thing for people like you and it's my best friend, Karma.

Before things got better, they started to get worse. Instead of this fairytale, happily ever after ending, it's been plagued by a curse. I waited for you. I put my dreams aside. There was never a time when I wasn't down to ride. We don't have to downplay this because the proof is in the pudding. I continuously put you first, knowing that I shouldn't. The brain game or blame game, who's fault is it anyway? The saddest part is if I had to (back then), I'd do it all again any day. We go up; we go down. This roller coaster makes me nauseous. Knowing that my heart is brittle, you'd think that I'd be more cautious. I gave you parts of me while expecting nothing in return. Instead of extinguishing this wild fire, you let me crash and burn. I've learned my lesson, so this can't happen ever again. I don't want to resent you so let's not be lovers or even friends. You must give to receive, but you don't see that because you're selfish. You took full advantage of my kindness and the fact that I'm genuinely selfless. You can put you're bullshit into something else and completely exclude me. I need happiness in my life, and with you, that will never be.

This is almost a year old and I just realized that I never posted it. When I reread it, I understood why. It was so personal and was so close to me that I felt it was an over share. After a while I thought, what's more beautiful than raw emotion? I was in a really crazy space when I wrote it and I'm so glad I got my head right. Not everyone is worthy of your love. Don't convince yourself that you need and want something. If it's real, you won't have to.  

It's crazy how much is revealed with time. How much things change. How life becomes so rearranged.

Oddly enough, not too much time has gone by. Not too much has transpired for our love to go awry.

What happened? Why us? If only I could turn back the hands... Never mind, shit isn't possible so no point in even going that route. We can switch paths. It's allowed.

But only if we're going together. As long as it's both of us facing this ever-changing weather.

That's the only way. As I lay here reminiscing, I can't help but wonder.. What has stolen our sunshine & replaced it with dark clouds and thunder.

The rumble is discouraging. I don't like it. I knew that it wasn't going to be easy but it wasn't supposed to be this hard. I knew it would take some dedication and work. We knew this. Maybe we should've prepared a little better.

Do we stay? Do we walk away? Revisit it at a later date? We can't let outside influences determine our fate.

October 16 meant something to me.

It meant something to us.

You told me you loved me.

I know I didn't say it back right away but I knew you'd soon earn that. I knew you'd make me the happiest woman alive. When I said I had already met the person id be marrying, I felt exactly that. There was no denying that feeling. That feeling is still alive.

The excitement I get when I see your name. The butterflies I get when I smell your cologne. The blushing that occurs when I reread your messages. The smile I display when I think of us.

Each waking day, each sleepless night, it's your love that I long for. It's your kissing. It's your touch. Am I expecting too much?

Where has the passion gone? There's no way these feelings can be wrong.

How do we fix it? How do we make it right? I'm not ready to just turn out our relationship light.

The flame still burns. As low as it may be, it's there. Waiting for us to pick up where we left off. No need for the dramatic explosives and fireworks, I just want us to work.

If you love me & I love you, let rise above it all. Take my hand & my heart. Walk with me. Together we can find this happy place.

We've been there before. Now it's time to find a different road there. Change is good. Take a moment and trust.

Step out of this comfort zone so we can build a comfortable home.

Together.

Lets collectively give more than we take. Let's make the needed changes so the rest of our forever can be great.

Love once so innocent. So pure. So genuine. Now so tainted. So evil. So detrimental.

Much of a burden.

All love isn't “good love.” I don’t need THAT love.

Let me live. Let me breathe. Let me prosper & be happy.

Please.

Love like life depends on it.

It does. Just not ours.

Something we’ve longed for & never wanted to forget.

Something so powerful. Moving mountains was a breeze.

Sudden change.

Air turned still. Nights got cold. Skies turned gray.

Prepare for this storm.

Feel the wrath.

No love like that of a Wo(man) scorned.

You don’t always get what you put in or what you want.

But you WILL get something, nonetheless.

Lessons may be the greatest.

When we walk away from each other, don’t make this hard.

Don’t kill me. I don’t want to die.

Just as those before & after me, let me live.

Move on & keep moving.

Become idle at your own risk.

Let's not blame. Let's not point. Let's love.

Let's love someone other than each other.

Let me love me first.

Priority.

Tainted as can be, I’ll still love after you as I did before.

Just one step closer to the one who was is made for me.

Have I already met my match or is that who is coming up behind you?

Don’t block my view.

Let me live.

So tainted yet the next one won't pay for your mistakes.

Love.

I’m sure this isn't how it was supposed to be. 
We're in this room, face to face with passion filled eyes, pleasure running through our veins. 
What are the consequences?  
Let's just cross that bridge when we get there. 
Right now, I'm just reaping the rewards. 
Do we continue "this" or go back to "normal"? 
What does normal even mean anymore?  
The first time that it felt so right. Like nothing can come between us. Nothing came between us, but we came. 
At that moment we became closer than ever. 
But was it worth it? 
Is more than “this friendship” really our purpose? 
Let's get in this bed that we've made together. 
Get close. Now it's me & you. 
There’s no title, but we understand. 
I think the feeling is mutual. 
Correct me if I'm incorrect. 
The next time, It felt real. 
One time isn't fine with me. 
We had time. 
Time to explore. Time to talk. Time to feel. Time to play. 
No wrong could be done. All is well in the world. 
Before I knew it, You were gone. 
Missing without a trace. 
Was it something I said?? 
Look me in my face. 
Same sad love song. 
Separate ways sometimes make for better days. 
Let's agree to disagree & make "this" thing history.

Its what u know best.... Lie, cheat & deceive...
U tell so many lies, I think I'm starting to believe.
The more I think about it, I see it's you I don't need.
No more love locked down, it's time to break free.
Free from your control, free from your reign.
Free to the heartache, free from the pain.
Free from the bullshit free from times u said you'd change.
Free from letting me down. Free from the same old same.
Do u even feel guilty or is it just another day?
U don't get tired of these games that u play?
U can apologize but that won't  make it okay.
U can wipe away my tears but it won't take them away.
What it once was may be gone but not forgotten.
Let me salvage what's left I this heart turned rotten.

Some of u may sorta know this story since I was tweeting as it was happening. But in case you’re wondering how the hell it happened… Like to hear it, here it go…

In efforts of making that “Long Kiss Goodnight” a reality, I agree to go “walk and talk”. We haven’t been face to face since about Sept/Oct. He’s usually out of the country working. I’m on my own schedule. Etc. I mean, I already knew it was gonna be some bullshit since that’s the norm but whatever, It was worth a shot. Fast Forward.. Park the car. Pizza. Cross street. Beach. So I sit on the wall & start eating my pizza. I guess I wasn’t being affectionate because someone had their boxers all in a bunch. 

Honestly, I hold no punches when it comes 2 this person. We’ll call him.. SB. The amount of things we’ve gone through surpasses things I’ve ever imagined. And this is only in the 2years that we’ve been dealing with each other. So SB decides to ask a question. I didn’t want to answer. THATS where it all started. I don’t owe ANYONE ANY explanations. So he gets all angry and says if I walk away, its gonna be for good. Was that supposed to make me want to answer the question?? #FAIL. That was fuel to my fire.

So I’m walking towards the car but I continue past the parking lot, Onto East Sunrise Blvd. I stayed on the Eastbound side so he cant pull over. *Phone rings* IGNORE (repeat 5times). I stop halfway across the bridge and take a minute to look at the scenery. Finally, I answer the phone & agree to cross over. I get in the car and we begin driving. He starts talkin shit so i keep sayin let me out. Instead of going i95 N.. He decides to go south. “I hope whatever nigga just called u finna pick u up from Down South.. & by that I mean the Grove” Then he sayin 163rd… Then he tries 2b funny & say Biscayne & 79th (–_-) So I already have somebody lined up 2scoop.

We pull over off Hallandale & i say let me out @ the RaceTrack. I jump out & walk inside. Call my cousin. *phone rings, SB Calling* IGNORE (repeat 3times) He wants me 2get back in the car. I say no & if he wants to talk he needs to come 2the front of the store. “What u think imma beat u up or something??” No that’s besides the point, this shit aint on his time. No store, no talk. He comes & guess what… YUUUP, u guessed it.. I went OFF on that ass. So as I’m BLACKIN on his life, a car pulls up & they just wait & watch & laugh. At this point I didnt even care. SB says he was gonna take me 2 his ppl house so they can see me cuz they miss me. He gets teary eyed with his cry baby ass & FINALLY I tell him I’ll get in the car if I drive. *Making our way back to Lauderdale* Words are exchanged and we get to the house. We park & I have 3 dangerous, concerned people outside. They wait. We sit. Everything is under control. I get out. He drives off.

Guys, dudes, males, men whatever… need to figure out a better way to channel their emotions & feelings. Kidnapping your ex-girlfriend is NOT the best way to go about it. Especially if you’re not even supposed 2b driving!!

At no point did I fear for my life or safety. This ninja aint stupid. I was ok. It was just aggravating as hell… as usual. If I felt some type of way, i definitely would’ve been on the phone with BSO instead of Twitter. & No.. There hasn’t been any contact since that night.

And the moral of the story is…

If U Don’t Know, Now U Know You’re Gonna Miss (My Love) & I Aint Stressin Bout A Doggone Thing Cuz I Was True When I Gave U (My Love) If U Search U Will NEVER Find Another Love Like ( My Love). You’re Gonna Miss Me. I Aint Got Time While U Sit Around & Play With (My Love).

FIN

P.S. I might’ve 4got some parts but *shrugs* ya’ll get the picture. Lol