I know there's more to you than the man that I see. Who are you really, when you're not with me?

Behind the scenes there's a person so sour, so foul. You've put on quite a show so I guess you can take your bow.

At first, its not you, its me. Maybe I'm just not what you had in mind. Seems like you were ready to take all of the help that you could find.

Even if it meant hurting innocent people. Even if it meant almost turning the purest heart into something evil.

They say you live and learn, have no regrets. Fuck what they're talking about, they didn't live through this stress.

They didn't have lonely days and sleepless nights. They didn't try to make amends after every fight. They didn't feed you, house you or make sure that you're alright.

Yet and still, you still chose them over your so called Queen. I should've minimized your chances when that dirty mirror became clean.

By clean I don't mean that you told the truth behind your lies. Clean as in I saw the malice in your eyes.

No regrets my ass! I'd take it all back if I could. If I had the chance for a "do over", with no hesitation, I would.

No regrets? Bitch, please. It's hard for me to to even call a man (well let's say male) a bitch but BITCH you got me fucked up and I use it as I see fit.

You must be some big time player with all of the people you fuck over. I lived everyday near drunk until my heart would feel sober.

So drunk to the point that I couldn't feel the excruciating pain. So faded to the point that I couldn't remember your name.

It was me who came running in your many times of need. It was me racing home with a need for speed.

A liar, a cheater, deceiver, heart breaker. If it came down to it, you'd be the giver and the taker.

Giving your ass to kiss, giving multiple lies, taking my love for granted and ignoring my cries.

You were only "the man" in the eyes of others. I saw your soul. I saw your true colors.

I'm glad that I'm not "her" because I know I deserve more. Why wasn't I stronger sooner to show you the door?

After all was said and done, I still tried to find meaning. After the lies, the bitches and fights, I still tried to find reason.

When the lights turned on, everything started looking funny. Nothing you said held any merit, no true intentions of returning the money.

Glad that its over, glad I'm not your girl. I should've listened closer when Foxy said "Let no lame nigga rule your world".

You reap what you sow so I hope that you're ready.  You should have a dolly in tow because this package will be heavy.

There will be no more contact. No reaching out to your momma. There's a special thing for people like you and it's my best friend, Karma.

Think about all of the words that you've worked so hard to put into sentences, to make sense, to explain how you feel. You see all of those words? Save them. Save them for the day that they're needed. Save them for a situation that's well fitted. Save them for eternity. Not to sound like a bitch but sometimes we talk too much. Depending on the situation, these words that you've taken all of this time to situate may hurt more than help. Let's sit back and think about it for a minute. What will it do to us? What will it bring? What will it ruin? Let's not. Not now. Not ever, possibly.

Maybe those lines have been blurred for a reason. Don't fix what's not broken right? But what if it could be better? More questions that we need not answer. More emotional soup that need not be stirred. More of everything that we don't not want. Double negative placement.

Is it for you or for me because this can't be for us. Nothing thus far has led me to believe that this is right. It doesn't even feel right. We become selfish and engulfed in our own fantasies and wishes that we forget that there is another person who may suffer from our wants.

Speak your mind, they said. It will help, they said. It didn't. Now we're stuck in an awkward place that no one knows how to escape. I’m not running. I'm just not going in that direction.

Can we think about ME for a second? How am I going to feel? How am I supposed to continue as "normal"? What the fuck is normal anyway? It wouldn't be fair to say you want to see someone happy but you aren't happy with what could possibly make them happy since it doesn't make YOU happy. If that makes sense.

Let's just leave it where it lies and go in a direction that leaves clarity and understanding.

For some, dreams (or nightmares) are just one’s mind escaping reality and going off into another world. To others, it’s the universe's way of warning or alerting you of things that are ahead or need to be addressed. In both cases, I agree. Sometimes you have to take the necessary elements out of the dream (or nightmare) and apply it to life.

Lately, I’ve been having all kinds of weird dreams, and I had written them off because some night these crazy dreams would come after I’d been out drinking. I’m sure alcohol alters your dreaming mind as well. But last night was different. I’d been completely sober. Not a sip. For me, a lot of my dreams are reoccurring. Same concept, same people, same situations. Just a lot of the same things happening. Maybe this is because there is a lot of repetitive things going on in life. Not to say that I’m at a standstill or stagnant but, things are just the same.

Last night, I slept on my friend's couch because I managed to lock my keys in my apartment the day before. So instead of enjoying the calming Downtown Miami breeze from the 24th-floor balcony, I woke up from my dream slapping and swatting myself. Had a crazy dream about a swarm of mosquitos attacking me in the back of a taxi. I wasn’t in there alone, but they were only bothering me. I made sure I had gone over the details of my dream before I forgot it. I Googled it, and of course, there were interpretations for my dream.

Dream Forth says, 

To dream of mosquitoes implies that you are being used and manipulated by others. They are exhausting you emotionally and mentally. It also means that you will use all of your efforts to defend yourself against their assaults. 
To dream that you are killing mosquitoes indicates that you will be able to prevail over hardships to gain wealth and joy.
You know how sometimes you are fully aware of your current situation, but you neglect to address or rectify it? That’s how I felt reading that. It told me EVERYTHING I already knew but served as a reinforcement. Sometimes you just need someone or something else to remind you of what you already know.

I’ve let go and gained a lot in the last 12 months, and it often seems like the more you do for people, the more you take from yourself. A lot of us get so caught up in helping others that we fail to keep our happiness and wellbeing first. When you are such a giving and kind-hearted person, It's hard just to stop helping people. Help may not always be monetary even though most of the time when people ask for things, It is in the form of money or material things. Some people need you to take them places. Go with them places. Listen to them all day. Always be available when they need you. The list goes on. But when you need something, it's not feasible. Unfair.

Sadly, some people will let you bury yourself alive and do nothing to help. For them, they got what they needed, and there will be someone else to help them when (& I mean WHEN because I know they will) they need it. For you, You are up Shit’s Creek without a paddle or raft. You sink. All for a good deed. For you, you may resent people and refuse to help another due to one (or more) person taking advantage and not giving a fuck enough to lend a helping hand.

So to make this simple:

Learn to say no. Learn to be selfish. Learn to put yourself first. And finally, if a mosquito should come close enough to you that it becomes bothersome, distance yourself or kill it.

Its what u know best.... Lie, cheat & deceive...
U tell so many lies, I think I'm starting to believe.
The more I think about it, I see it's you I don't need.
No more love locked down, it's time to break free.
Free from your control, free from your reign.
Free to the heartache, free from the pain.
Free from the bullshit free from times u said you'd change.
Free from letting me down. Free from the same old same.
Do u even feel guilty or is it just another day?
U don't get tired of these games that u play?
U can apologize but that won't  make it okay.
U can wipe away my tears but it won't take them away.
What it once was may be gone but not forgotten.
Let me salvage what's left I this heart turned rotten.