I know there's more to you than the man that I see. Who are you really, when you're not with me?

Behind the scenes there's a person so sour, so foul. You've put on quite a show so I guess you can take your bow.

At first, its not you, its me. Maybe I'm just not what you had in mind. Seems like you were ready to take all of the help that you could find.

Even if it meant hurting innocent people. Even if it meant almost turning the purest heart into something evil.

They say you live and learn, have no regrets. Fuck what they're talking about, they didn't live through this stress.

They didn't have lonely days and sleepless nights. They didn't try to make amends after every fight. They didn't feed you, house you or make sure that you're alright.

Yet and still, you still chose them over your so called Queen. I should've minimized your chances when that dirty mirror became clean.

By clean I don't mean that you told the truth behind your lies. Clean as in I saw the malice in your eyes.

No regrets my ass! I'd take it all back if I could. If I had the chance for a "do over", with no hesitation, I would.

No regrets? Bitch, please. It's hard for me to to even call a man (well let's say male) a bitch but BITCH you got me fucked up and I use it as I see fit.

You must be some big time player with all of the people you fuck over. I lived everyday near drunk until my heart would feel sober.

So drunk to the point that I couldn't feel the excruciating pain. So faded to the point that I couldn't remember your name.

It was me who came running in your many times of need. It was me racing home with a need for speed.

A liar, a cheater, deceiver, heart breaker. If it came down to it, you'd be the giver and the taker.

Giving your ass to kiss, giving multiple lies, taking my love for granted and ignoring my cries.

You were only "the man" in the eyes of others. I saw your soul. I saw your true colors.

I'm glad that I'm not "her" because I know I deserve more. Why wasn't I stronger sooner to show you the door?

After all was said and done, I still tried to find meaning. After the lies, the bitches and fights, I still tried to find reason.

When the lights turned on, everything started looking funny. Nothing you said held any merit, no true intentions of returning the money.

Glad that its over, glad I'm not your girl. I should've listened closer when Foxy said "Let no lame nigga rule your world".

You reap what you sow so I hope that you're ready.  You should have a dolly in tow because this package will be heavy.

There will be no more contact. No reaching out to your momma. There's a special thing for people like you and it's my best friend, Karma.

Before things got better, they started to get worse. Instead of this fairytale, happily ever after ending, it's been plagued by a curse. I waited for you. I put my dreams aside. There was never a time when I wasn't down to ride. We don't have to downplay this because the proof is in the pudding. I continuously put you first, knowing that I shouldn't. The brain game or blame game, who's fault is it anyway? The saddest part is if I had to (back then), I'd do it all again any day. We go up; we go down. This roller coaster makes me nauseous. Knowing that my heart is brittle, you'd think that I'd be more cautious. I gave you parts of me while expecting nothing in return. Instead of extinguishing this wild fire, you let me crash and burn. I've learned my lesson, so this can't happen ever again. I don't want to resent you so let's not be lovers or even friends. You must give to receive, but you don't see that because you're selfish. You took full advantage of my kindness and the fact that I'm genuinely selfless. You can put you're bullshit into something else and completely exclude me. I need happiness in my life, and with you, that will never be.

  [embed]https://youtu.be/wJfuIps6Ync[/embed]

Everyday I wake up to your foot on my neck, your knee in my back, your gun to my chest. The first thought of the day shouldn't be "will I be next?" However, this is nothing new to you. Just another day of doing whatever it is that you want to do. No one hears my gasps. They don't wipe tears from my eyes. So as I sit with these weights on my shoulders, I try to understand why. What makes your life so much more valuable than mine? Are we not of the same flesh? Do we not bleed the same blood? How can we remain happy in a place that shows no love? Time after time, you get slaps on the wrist for your vicious acts. But in turn, call me an animal when I decided to fight back. I'm tired. The odds were meant to be against me as an adult and since I was a baby. God forbid we speak up because to you, we're just poor and lazy. Did it ever occur to you that this is how you've made me? The simple fact of my being is a crime on its own. Not safe in the street or in the discomfort of my own home. Can't walk down the block without someone clutching their purse. My skin is brown, I have pronounced features which to you, is a curse. Day in and day out I have to prove why I should be respected, left to wonder why our whole race is not one to be protected. No rules, no rights, nothing by "us" or for "us. If not for a negative reason, the world tends to ignore us. Dammit, I'm tired. Tired as a people. Explain to me why I have to beg and fight to be what is considered "equal". Have the mothers and fathers before me not accomplished much? Have we as a race not endured enough? When does it end? Where are these answers? Pray, they say. That's cool and all but now what? We just sit here and wait like a bunch of sitting ducks? Tell me how long it takes to get from point A to B when standing still. Sounds stupid right? They don't want us to learn too much on our own will. We want solutions to these problems. We're always made out to be the issue when things go awry. Have you ever stopped to think about the many reasons why? I was a loser when I got here, my being seems to be the ultimate sin. Times are changing. We're moving mountains. We're preparing for The Win. Why? Because we're fucking tired. Why is that so difficult to understand? Just once put yourself in the shoes of a Black (wo)man. The most unnecessary, useless group, if we let you tell it. That's some deep fried bullshit. We've come so far. I don't have to live by your rules, be looked as inferior or subpar. Dammit, WE are tired.

Think about all of the words that you've worked so hard to put into sentences, to make sense, to explain how you feel. You see all of those words? Save them. Save them for the day that they're needed. Save them for a situation that's well fitted. Save them for eternity. Not to sound like a bitch but sometimes we talk too much. Depending on the situation, these words that you've taken all of this time to situate may hurt more than help. Let's sit back and think about it for a minute. What will it do to us? What will it bring? What will it ruin? Let's not. Not now. Not ever, possibly.

Maybe those lines have been blurred for a reason. Don't fix what's not broken right? But what if it could be better? More questions that we need not answer. More emotional soup that need not be stirred. More of everything that we don't not want. Double negative placement.

Is it for you or for me because this can't be for us. Nothing thus far has led me to believe that this is right. It doesn't even feel right. We become selfish and engulfed in our own fantasies and wishes that we forget that there is another person who may suffer from our wants.

Speak your mind, they said. It will help, they said. It didn't. Now we're stuck in an awkward place that no one knows how to escape. I’m not running. I'm just not going in that direction.

Can we think about ME for a second? How am I going to feel? How am I supposed to continue as "normal"? What the fuck is normal anyway? It wouldn't be fair to say you want to see someone happy but you aren't happy with what could possibly make them happy since it doesn't make YOU happy. If that makes sense.

Let's just leave it where it lies and go in a direction that leaves clarity and understanding.

I’m sure this isn't how it was supposed to be. 
We're in this room, face to face with passion filled eyes, pleasure running through our veins. 
What are the consequences?  
Let's just cross that bridge when we get there. 
Right now, I'm just reaping the rewards. 
Do we continue "this" or go back to "normal"? 
What does normal even mean anymore?  
The first time that it felt so right. Like nothing can come between us. Nothing came between us, but we came. 
At that moment we became closer than ever. 
But was it worth it? 
Is more than “this friendship” really our purpose? 
Let's get in this bed that we've made together. 
Get close. Now it's me & you. 
There’s no title, but we understand. 
I think the feeling is mutual. 
Correct me if I'm incorrect. 
The next time, It felt real. 
One time isn't fine with me. 
We had time. 
Time to explore. Time to talk. Time to feel. Time to play. 
No wrong could be done. All is well in the world. 
Before I knew it, You were gone. 
Missing without a trace. 
Was it something I said?? 
Look me in my face. 
Same sad love song. 
Separate ways sometimes make for better days. 
Let's agree to disagree & make "this" thing history.

Its what u know best.... Lie, cheat & deceive...
U tell so many lies, I think I'm starting to believe.
The more I think about it, I see it's you I don't need.
No more love locked down, it's time to break free.
Free from your control, free from your reign.
Free to the heartache, free from the pain.
Free from the bullshit free from times u said you'd change.
Free from letting me down. Free from the same old same.
Do u even feel guilty or is it just another day?
U don't get tired of these games that u play?
U can apologize but that won't  make it okay.
U can wipe away my tears but it won't take them away.
What it once was may be gone but not forgotten.
Let me salvage what's left I this heart turned rotten.

He wrote you love letters; you got mad, so you ripped them.
You hit that man 1st, then you went and cried, victim.
Shot him with his gun, got scared then you switched them.
He begged for your help, fell and you kicked him.

You never told him about the fake plans that you had.
That you'd use him as a trend, til the end of the "fad."
Each "good thing" had an underlying bad.
Or that you didn't care about his feelings, Fck if he was sad.

When they came for the interview, you only said the half.
You told them about the work, and everywhere he hid his stash.
About the late night runs, on the way to the cash.
How'd he'd run up in the spot, stick em up & then dash.

You failed to tell the part that you kept a bunch of money
How he took you out the hood, kept you from looking bummy.
This shit can't be real, not the least bit funny.
A life you learned to love and now you made him the test dummy.

These bitches WILL lie, anything to save face.
Eating with dirty money but you forgot to say grace.
Moving a little too fast, slow down, watch your pace.
This is a cut-throat world; everyone wants to win this race.

But when it's all said and done, he had no chance in this fight.
You never did say how you'd give that "Long Kiss Goodnight."
What goes around comes around. Hope you're ready for that bite.
But YOU'RE once again The Victim, so we both know you're right.

Some of u may sorta know this story since I was tweeting as it was happening. But in case you’re wondering how the hell it happened… Like to hear it, here it go…

In efforts of making that “Long Kiss Goodnight” a reality, I agree to go “walk and talk”. We haven’t been face to face since about Sept/Oct. He’s usually out of the country working. I’m on my own schedule. Etc. I mean, I already knew it was gonna be some bullshit since that’s the norm but whatever, It was worth a shot. Fast Forward.. Park the car. Pizza. Cross street. Beach. So I sit on the wall & start eating my pizza. I guess I wasn’t being affectionate because someone had their boxers all in a bunch. 

Honestly, I hold no punches when it comes 2 this person. We’ll call him.. SB. The amount of things we’ve gone through surpasses things I’ve ever imagined. And this is only in the 2years that we’ve been dealing with each other. So SB decides to ask a question. I didn’t want to answer. THATS where it all started. I don’t owe ANYONE ANY explanations. So he gets all angry and says if I walk away, its gonna be for good. Was that supposed to make me want to answer the question?? #FAIL. That was fuel to my fire.

So I’m walking towards the car but I continue past the parking lot, Onto East Sunrise Blvd. I stayed on the Eastbound side so he cant pull over. *Phone rings* IGNORE (repeat 5times). I stop halfway across the bridge and take a minute to look at the scenery. Finally, I answer the phone & agree to cross over. I get in the car and we begin driving. He starts talkin shit so i keep sayin let me out. Instead of going i95 N.. He decides to go south. “I hope whatever nigga just called u finna pick u up from Down South.. & by that I mean the Grove” Then he sayin 163rd… Then he tries 2b funny & say Biscayne & 79th (–_-) So I already have somebody lined up 2scoop.

We pull over off Hallandale & i say let me out @ the RaceTrack. I jump out & walk inside. Call my cousin. *phone rings, SB Calling* IGNORE (repeat 3times) He wants me 2get back in the car. I say no & if he wants to talk he needs to come 2the front of the store. “What u think imma beat u up or something??” No that’s besides the point, this shit aint on his time. No store, no talk. He comes & guess what… YUUUP, u guessed it.. I went OFF on that ass. So as I’m BLACKIN on his life, a car pulls up & they just wait & watch & laugh. At this point I didnt even care. SB says he was gonna take me 2 his ppl house so they can see me cuz they miss me. He gets teary eyed with his cry baby ass & FINALLY I tell him I’ll get in the car if I drive. *Making our way back to Lauderdale* Words are exchanged and we get to the house. We park & I have 3 dangerous, concerned people outside. They wait. We sit. Everything is under control. I get out. He drives off.

Guys, dudes, males, men whatever… need to figure out a better way to channel their emotions & feelings. Kidnapping your ex-girlfriend is NOT the best way to go about it. Especially if you’re not even supposed 2b driving!!

At no point did I fear for my life or safety. This ninja aint stupid. I was ok. It was just aggravating as hell… as usual. If I felt some type of way, i definitely would’ve been on the phone with BSO instead of Twitter. & No.. There hasn’t been any contact since that night.

And the moral of the story is…

If U Don’t Know, Now U Know You’re Gonna Miss (My Love) & I Aint Stressin Bout A Doggone Thing Cuz I Was True When I Gave U (My Love) If U Search U Will NEVER Find Another Love Like ( My Love). You’re Gonna Miss Me. I Aint Got Time While U Sit Around & Play With (My Love).

FIN

P.S. I might’ve 4got some parts but *shrugs* ya’ll get the picture. Lol