I know there's more to you than the man that I see. Who are you really, when you're not with me?

Behind the scenes there's a person so sour, so foul. You've put on quite a show so I guess you can take your bow.

At first, its not you, its me. Maybe I'm just not what you had in mind. Seems like you were ready to take all of the help that you could find.

Even if it meant hurting innocent people. Even if it meant almost turning the purest heart into something evil.

They say you live and learn, have no regrets. Fuck what they're talking about, they didn't live through this stress.

They didn't have lonely days and sleepless nights. They didn't try to make amends after every fight. They didn't feed you, house you or make sure that you're alright.

Yet and still, you still chose them over your so called Queen. I should've minimized your chances when that dirty mirror became clean.

By clean I don't mean that you told the truth behind your lies. Clean as in I saw the malice in your eyes.

No regrets my ass! I'd take it all back if I could. If I had the chance for a "do over", with no hesitation, I would.

No regrets? Bitch, please. It's hard for me to to even call a man (well let's say male) a bitch but BITCH you got me fucked up and I use it as I see fit.

You must be some big time player with all of the people you fuck over. I lived everyday near drunk until my heart would feel sober.

So drunk to the point that I couldn't feel the excruciating pain. So faded to the point that I couldn't remember your name.

It was me who came running in your many times of need. It was me racing home with a need for speed.

A liar, a cheater, deceiver, heart breaker. If it came down to it, you'd be the giver and the taker.

Giving your ass to kiss, giving multiple lies, taking my love for granted and ignoring my cries.

You were only "the man" in the eyes of others. I saw your soul. I saw your true colors.

I'm glad that I'm not "her" because I know I deserve more. Why wasn't I stronger sooner to show you the door?

After all was said and done, I still tried to find meaning. After the lies, the bitches and fights, I still tried to find reason.

When the lights turned on, everything started looking funny. Nothing you said held any merit, no true intentions of returning the money.

Glad that its over, glad I'm not your girl. I should've listened closer when Foxy said "Let no lame nigga rule your world".

You reap what you sow so I hope that you're ready.  You should have a dolly in tow because this package will be heavy.

There will be no more contact. No reaching out to your momma. There's a special thing for people like you and it's my best friend, Karma.

Every once in a while, I’ll ask a few of my friends for a topic to write about. So when I asked last night, I received a few way different ideas. Jay told me to write about Freedom. Naturally, I’m like WTF? That’s not really specific. In turn he said, “The freedom of bettering yourself. Not holding yourself back”. A light blub came on as soon as I read that message.

The thing about writing is that there’s no wrong way to say how YOU feel. When you write, they may not appreciate your honesty or opinion but it’s yours and you own that shit. How can you tell me what I’m saying isn’t important? I don’t give a damn if YOU think it isn’t because when I wrote it, it meant something to me. I may write fast but if I write about it, I’ve put a lot of thought and energy into it. I don’t write for the likes or RT’s. Shit, most of the stuff doesn’t even get RT’s. But it may be the one thing that one person who read it needed to hear.

There’s not enough time in the day or care in the world for me to want to sugar coat things. If I write it, its usually in raw form. It’s extremely rare for me to alter anything because of how it will be perceived. Take it or leave it. You love it, hate it or feel indifferently about the topic at a hand.

It took me quite some time to start the project that I’m working on. Not because I didn’t have anything to talk about but I was giving too much of a damn about what people would think. Not strangers because I never really give a fuck about what people who don’t personally know me think. People as in MY people. People I speak to daily, weekly, monthly, ever. People who know me. Or people who think they do. How can I let people take away my freedom? Why would I? I knew that what I had to say was worth way more than an opinion. I knew that since I was a child, writing was my outlet. Writing was my savior. Writing set me free from any and everything that was wrong. Yes, I’d have to still face it but writing gave me the power to say what I want, feel what I want and not have to answer anyone’s questions or deal with their complaints. Writing gave me the space I needed to sort thing out. If I didn’t have $10, Writing would still be free. Freedom.

Writing. Simply put, it’s the shit. I have so many notebooks. Old, new, plain, fancy, everything. I love the freedom of choosing which one I want to deal with that day. I can go from PC to phone to good ol pen and paper (my personal favorite). So when I write, I take it seriously. I’m always trying to get better. Always thinking of new things for ME to write about. II t doesn’t matter if the topic has been visited hundreds of times by hundreds of people, It’s MY writing that matters.

For ME, there’s nothing more satisfying than finishing a piece. Its like a sigh of relief. Whether its finishing a post, and email, or a journal entry. To me, that’s what I do it for. Yes, I have a circle of people who love to read what I write. There are others who have no idea that I write. But in the end, I know everyone will know. So whatever it is that YOU do, make sure you set yourself free and take advantage of your freedom. Make sure that when you do it, you can stand by it. Make sure you love what you’re doing.

It was only a matter of time after you had entered my mind that you'd make the next entry. You had just the right touch to unlock the Pearly Gates. 
You knocked. You entered. You're here. Flesh to flesh. Face to face. 
You seem colossal next to my small frame. I'm swallowed by your warm embrace.  
The level of comfort was so natural. You took your time but made your eagerness known. 
The firmness of your gentle voice. The intensity of your soft touch. 
And just like that, still, waters began to roar. Waves crashed against the shore. 
Your words still guide and manipulate my mind, body, and soul. Is it possible for two familiar strangers to be this aligned?
The television plays at a medium tone. The bathroom light peaks around the corner. With phones beeping, buzzing and ringing, this concentration can't be broken. 
I'd love to see your face, but at the moment you're having an in-depth convo with my lower lips. Explicitly speaking to my inner soul. Telling and showing us all of the things you're capable of doing. All of the feelings you are capable of evoking. By the feel of things, I think you may have bilingually explained it all in full detail.
They say the tongue is a powerful weapon, but you've decided to use it for good instead of evil. You use it to locate the treasure that had been longing to be found. Unlocking a liquid language that only better prepares us for what has yet to cum. 
We transition. 
Somehow, we end up becoming a human display of every one's favorite numbers. 
It seems like we're ready but not until I show you the same appreciation that you've shown me. It's only right.
It's your turn to relax. A kiss on the head is an action of endearment. Sometimes you have to ease your way into (or onto) a situation. 
It's not long before we say "Fuck this." 
We meant that in every sense of the word. Mentally and physically. 
Who would've thought that the mental and physical would be so close? 
We knew this would be explosive, but this was more than sexing. This was a meeting of both our bodies and minds. 
For every stroke the body took, the mind took two. The intensity was too real. 
When the time came, so did we. There was no denying or hiding this. The evidence was obvious. 
As the electric leg spasms slow down to a slow twitch, the tunnel vision starts to widen. The surrounds begin to reappear. Sounds are now audible. 
You walk away only to return with a warm washcloth. You are the real MVP. 
This may be the real thing. 
And the day we should meet again, I'll have no expectations because I know whether everything or nothing should happen, the connection is better than any physical encounter. 
BUT... that doesn't mean it shouldn't happen again and again and again.

Love once so innocent. So pure. So genuine. Now so tainted. So evil. So detrimental.

Much of a burden.

All love isn't “good love.” I don’t need THAT love.

Let me live. Let me breathe. Let me prosper & be happy.

Please.

Love like life depends on it.

It does. Just not ours.

Something we’ve longed for & never wanted to forget.

Something so powerful. Moving mountains was a breeze.

Sudden change.

Air turned still. Nights got cold. Skies turned gray.

Prepare for this storm.

Feel the wrath.

No love like that of a Wo(man) scorned.

You don’t always get what you put in or what you want.

But you WILL get something, nonetheless.

Lessons may be the greatest.

When we walk away from each other, don’t make this hard.

Don’t kill me. I don’t want to die.

Just as those before & after me, let me live.

Move on & keep moving.

Become idle at your own risk.

Let's not blame. Let's not point. Let's love.

Let's love someone other than each other.

Let me love me first.

Priority.

Tainted as can be, I’ll still love after you as I did before.

Just one step closer to the one who was is made for me.

Have I already met my match or is that who is coming up behind you?

Don’t block my view.

Let me live.

So tainted yet the next one won't pay for your mistakes.

Love.

They always say that you shouldn’t put off for tomorrow what can & should be done today. I think that’s how the quote goes. When I got up this morning, It felt like any other day. I wished my cousin a happy birthday and left the house. I looked at Twitter and noticed that a girl I follow & know through mutual friends had mentioned that she lost her mother a year ago today. I wanted to say something to her, but all I could come up with was a generic tweet…

8:32 am: “With all the losses I’ve experienced… I still don’t know the right words to say to others when they lose someone. :/”
I went to work and began my shift. While away from my desk, I noticed I had a missed call and text from my cousin. As I was replying, another cousin called, so I picked up & immediately I knew something was wrong. The first thing she asked was if I had spoken to my mother. My heart dropped to the floor. When I told her no, She said that my mom had found my grandfather this morning when she woke up. He was unresponsive. See the thing is, she had just gotten up to NY from Charlotte to help take care of him. We had found out he had liver cancer 2 weeks ago. She and my aunt had been there around the clock since then.

It freaked me out a bit when I thought into it a little deeper. It almost seemed as if he waited until his two baby girls were together, to go in peace. I can’t imagine how my mother feels being the one to be there with him. However, I am happy that they were able to see each other before he was taken home. I won’t question God’s ways, but I wish I would have done things differently. She told me to call him the day she found out, but I kept putting it off. I wanted to know more about his progress and not ask too many questions. I should have. If I knew yesterday what was going to happen today, I would have done more. I’m sure he knows my heart, and he knows I think about him every day and wishes I would have called. Shit just sucks.

As kids, my cousin and I were his little princesses. We always got SO excited when Grandpa Tootsie came around. Not only was he cool, he always had envelopes full of money for us. So many memories that I wish could have been more. We always spoke through emails and recently through Facebook, but I never got the chance to go back to his apartment and talk. Now, that option is no longer there.

Too Little, Too Late

If you have a relative, you rarely speak to, send a text, email, call, something. You never know when your last time talking to someone will be.

Rest In Peace Newton Lightfoot or to us, Grandpa Tootsie

Its what u know best.... Lie, cheat & deceive...
U tell so many lies, I think I'm starting to believe.
The more I think about it, I see it's you I don't need.
No more love locked down, it's time to break free.
Free from your control, free from your reign.
Free to the heartache, free from the pain.
Free from the bullshit free from times u said you'd change.
Free from letting me down. Free from the same old same.
Do u even feel guilty or is it just another day?
U don't get tired of these games that u play?
U can apologize but that won't  make it okay.
U can wipe away my tears but it won't take them away.
What it once was may be gone but not forgotten.
Let me salvage what's left I this heart turned rotten.

The things you feed me are not necessarily what I like..
But since I’m hungry, I can't help but take a bite.
Thirsty for more than what this watered down love is..
I need something more. A little pop. A little fizz..
Jaded by the thought of holding you.. Having u
But now my hearts cold, I dream of grabbing you.. Stabbing you..
Not with a knife but these words poke holes..
So swift, so deadly.. These words pierce souls.
See when I said yes, that meant NO to the lies. No to the heartache. No more asking why's.
Its break ups to make ups.. No to the cries. There u go leaving. No more of your goodbyes.
Tired of the fussing. Tired of the screaming..
Tired of when shit gets tough, you end up leaving.
What do we do? Do we try to get along?
Lethal words back & forth. Yea we're both living wrong..
Fuck up after fuck up, I'm tired of chasing u.
I need to cut my loss, I'd be better off replacing u.
Sometimes I feel like we just together with no purpose...
Relationship faded. This shit is just so hopeless..
Problem & solution.. I think I got a bit smarter.
But when I take a closer look, this whole thing gets harder.
So many lonely nights coming, a dark road ahead
It’ll take time to get used to being alone in this bed.
Would it be much easier to say fuck it, just give up hope?
I thought if I lost you I'd die, but I been cut that rope..
Got down from the chair, there will be no kickin..
Gotta get back on my grind, I know time is ticking..
Can't waste another second, nor minute, nor hour..
I think I got a fresh breath from this sweet love turned sour.