There comes a time when you have to let people fight their own demons. As much as we want to help, it would only be hurting all parties involved. People never really learn that fight or flight when you’re constantly picking up the pieces before they hit the ground. This isn’t a game of jacks. You don’t have to see how many pieces you can pick up before the ball bounces. Let that shit bounce and roll down the damn street.

My problem is that I tend to be an enabler. Too much of an enabler, in fact. I’m not really sure of the right way to say no. I just keep going with it while they’re just chilling as if nothing is going on. How does that even make sense? Why should I care about your situation more than you care about it?

It doesn’t even have to be monetary (even though that’s where I fuck up). Supporting somebody emotionally can cause more damage than financially. It’s a lot harder to put a broken heart and shattered feelings back together than it is to work a little overtime. I always have this thing where I know that I’ll make the money back pretty quickly. That doesn’t mean that I don’t want it back. It means that i’m not pressed for it. I never have and probably never will be. If I have to write you off for money, I chalk it up as you needing it more than me and I let it sort itself out. If it gets to that point, Karma has way more time to dedicate to you than I do.

If you’re anything like me, you almost feel obligated to help people because they can’t/don’t cope with things as “easily” as you do. Stop. When the feeling is that strong, you tend to cross so many lines and disregard common sense. You’d do almost anything to see that person happy or in a better situation. Would it be the same if the tables turned? Would people be so willing to open up their home to you as you would for them? Would they be okay with the temporary inconvenience? Would it still be all good? You may have to turn it around and see if they play fair.

Sometimes it’s well within our means to assist but how much is too much? How much is enough? We usually have that gut feeling when it’s going too far. Actually following the feeling is the real task. You never really want to see people fall on their ass but sometimes that bruised tailbone may be exactly what they need to shape up.

Sometimes, you just need to withdraw, let folks bounce their own checks and figure their own shit out.

Don’t fight it.

 

Please give me my flowers while I can smell them. Let me enjoy the scent and sight. Please tell me you love me while I can hear you. Don't wait to kiss me good night. You waited & procrastinated. You put me back on the high shelf. Chance after chance, time after time, you only thought about yourself. Those times I sat there, wondering when you'd follow through. But now that the tables have turned, there's nothing more you can do. You waited. So many times we've made loose plans yet somehow they always fell through. When it's said and done it doesn't help to blame me or for me to blame you. No matter how new or old our friendship was, it still meant a great deal. You don't have to speak every day to know that it is for real. You can't plead your case one last time even though you may still try. Just understand life happens too quickly so please wipe the tears from your eyes. Don't beat yourself up or question his ways, I'm getting keys to my new home. I don't have you all here to keep me company but please know that I'm not alone. I understand. I forgive you. Until we meet again. I'm just happy to rest peacefully knowing you were a good friend.

Rest Peacefully Dujuan Capehart aka DJ Diesel 904

Take the time out to reach out to people and follow through on plans of possible. We all live different lives but I know we can switch a few things to send a text, call, FaceTime, 5 minute coffee or something. I'm guilty of it just as the next person is so we all need to do better. You just never know. Death doesn't get easier. It shouldn't. Just know that you've done your part in maintaining healthy relationships and letting go of the trivial things.

Think about all of the words that you've worked so hard to put into sentences, to make sense, to explain how you feel. You see all of those words? Save them. Save them for the day that they're needed. Save them for a situation that's well fitted. Save them for eternity. Not to sound like a bitch but sometimes we talk too much. Depending on the situation, these words that you've taken all of this time to situate may hurt more than help. Let's sit back and think about it for a minute. What will it do to us? What will it bring? What will it ruin? Let's not. Not now. Not ever, possibly.

Maybe those lines have been blurred for a reason. Don't fix what's not broken right? But what if it could be better? More questions that we need not answer. More emotional soup that need not be stirred. More of everything that we don't not want. Double negative placement.

Is it for you or for me because this can't be for us. Nothing thus far has led me to believe that this is right. It doesn't even feel right. We become selfish and engulfed in our own fantasies and wishes that we forget that there is another person who may suffer from our wants.

Speak your mind, they said. It will help, they said. It didn't. Now we're stuck in an awkward place that no one knows how to escape. I’m not running. I'm just not going in that direction.

Can we think about ME for a second? How am I going to feel? How am I supposed to continue as "normal"? What the fuck is normal anyway? It wouldn't be fair to say you want to see someone happy but you aren't happy with what could possibly make them happy since it doesn't make YOU happy. If that makes sense.

Let's just leave it where it lies and go in a direction that leaves clarity and understanding.

Have you ever been mentally fucked? If not, I must say, it's an unexplainable feeling. Something you feel deep within. Something that you can't duplicate. You FEEL it with every sense. You FEEL it in every part of you. 

When you experience the mental before the physical, it's almost ineffable. How can a person do that to you? Either you'll be scared out of your mind, or you'll be taken to ecstasy. Taken to a place that you never thought existed & never imagined visiting. Taken to euphoria. And the moment you get there, you'll never want to leave. Never settle for anything less. Never tolerate mediocrity. 

When you feel it, you'll never want to feel any other way. 

Mind fucked. 

Brain banged.  

Cerebral smashed. 

Each conversation goes deeper and deeper. Increasing in intensity with every answered call, every read text. Each spoken word feels like they're laying you down gently on your back. The dialogue spreads your legs and pulls your hips down. As they enter, You let out that first contact deep breath. The first stroke sets the tone. The pace quickens. Your breathing is all out of whack. But that's ok because your bodies are in sync. You bite your lip. Your eyes roll back. You try to escape, but it feels too good to end it this early. Loosen up & enjoy it. You open up a little wider. They can see that you're into it, that you want it, that your body is responding. Before you can realize all that's happening, you notice that you've switched positions three times. It just keeps getting better. Neither one of you is letting up. Going tit for tat. Blow for blow. Stroke for stroke. We know where this is going. The grunts become louder. The light moans become mild screams. The both of you are ready. Neither of you can fight it any longer. 

Reaching for the stars just gained a new meaning. This place seems familiar yet new. You've never had it like THIS. You win & do a victory lap. You've earned it. You deserved this. 

Nobody can take that from you. 

You sit back and smirk. 

So while you're thinking back on the past and wondering if you've ever felt anything this good, this real, just laughs and roll over. This nap is going to be good. Those who are capable of mind fucking us are rare. Enjoy it while it's here. 

Preparing For Round 2

For some, dreams (or nightmares) are just one’s mind escaping reality and going off into another world. To others, it’s the universe's way of warning or alerting you of things that are ahead or need to be addressed. In both cases, I agree. Sometimes you have to take the necessary elements out of the dream (or nightmare) and apply it to life.

Lately, I’ve been having all kinds of weird dreams, and I had written them off because some night these crazy dreams would come after I’d been out drinking. I’m sure alcohol alters your dreaming mind as well. But last night was different. I’d been completely sober. Not a sip. For me, a lot of my dreams are reoccurring. Same concept, same people, same situations. Just a lot of the same things happening. Maybe this is because there is a lot of repetitive things going on in life. Not to say that I’m at a standstill or stagnant but, things are just the same.

Last night, I slept on my friend's couch because I managed to lock my keys in my apartment the day before. So instead of enjoying the calming Downtown Miami breeze from the 24th-floor balcony, I woke up from my dream slapping and swatting myself. Had a crazy dream about a swarm of mosquitos attacking me in the back of a taxi. I wasn’t in there alone, but they were only bothering me. I made sure I had gone over the details of my dream before I forgot it. I Googled it, and of course, there were interpretations for my dream.

Dream Forth says, 

To dream of mosquitoes implies that you are being used and manipulated by others. They are exhausting you emotionally and mentally. It also means that you will use all of your efforts to defend yourself against their assaults. 
To dream that you are killing mosquitoes indicates that you will be able to prevail over hardships to gain wealth and joy.
You know how sometimes you are fully aware of your current situation, but you neglect to address or rectify it? That’s how I felt reading that. It told me EVERYTHING I already knew but served as a reinforcement. Sometimes you just need someone or something else to remind you of what you already know.

I’ve let go and gained a lot in the last 12 months, and it often seems like the more you do for people, the more you take from yourself. A lot of us get so caught up in helping others that we fail to keep our happiness and wellbeing first. When you are such a giving and kind-hearted person, It's hard just to stop helping people. Help may not always be monetary even though most of the time when people ask for things, It is in the form of money or material things. Some people need you to take them places. Go with them places. Listen to them all day. Always be available when they need you. The list goes on. But when you need something, it's not feasible. Unfair.

Sadly, some people will let you bury yourself alive and do nothing to help. For them, they got what they needed, and there will be someone else to help them when (& I mean WHEN because I know they will) they need it. For you, You are up Shit’s Creek without a paddle or raft. You sink. All for a good deed. For you, you may resent people and refuse to help another due to one (or more) person taking advantage and not giving a fuck enough to lend a helping hand.

So to make this simple:

Learn to say no. Learn to be selfish. Learn to put yourself first. And finally, if a mosquito should come close enough to you that it becomes bothersome, distance yourself or kill it.

Love once so innocent. So pure. So genuine. Now so tainted. So evil. So detrimental.

Much of a burden.

All love isn't “good love.” I don’t need THAT love.

Let me live. Let me breathe. Let me prosper & be happy.

Please.

Love like life depends on it.

It does. Just not ours.

Something we’ve longed for & never wanted to forget.

Something so powerful. Moving mountains was a breeze.

Sudden change.

Air turned still. Nights got cold. Skies turned gray.

Prepare for this storm.

Feel the wrath.

No love like that of a Wo(man) scorned.

You don’t always get what you put in or what you want.

But you WILL get something, nonetheless.

Lessons may be the greatest.

When we walk away from each other, don’t make this hard.

Don’t kill me. I don’t want to die.

Just as those before & after me, let me live.

Move on & keep moving.

Become idle at your own risk.

Let's not blame. Let's not point. Let's love.

Let's love someone other than each other.

Let me love me first.

Priority.

Tainted as can be, I’ll still love after you as I did before.

Just one step closer to the one who was is made for me.

Have I already met my match or is that who is coming up behind you?

Don’t block my view.

Let me live.

So tainted yet the next one won't pay for your mistakes.

Love.

So fast. So sudden. Before we knew it, we were fu.. Nah never mind.

Let's just scratch that line.

Those 1st hours turned to a day. Days turned to weeks.

Now it's months later, and everything still seems sweet.

This "honeymoon" phase is just begging to end.

Asking to put the guard up. Asking to remain as "friends."

But with all due respect, how can you expect to be a friend to the only one you really want to let Let in.

Let love. Let listen.

Let christen, these brand new linens, and indulge in all of this "healthy sinning"??

How can I look at you the same after these nights we shared?

How can we both move on like neither of us cared?

I'm not pushing nor pulling; I'm just being realistic.

You keep throwing these signs & There's no way I can miss it.

Somehow, someway we found “love” in a place so hopeless.

With no cares in the world, yet not losing any focus.

Who says it's wrong? Or that this “love” is high risk and filled with danger?

Nobody knows better than us. Why can't we remain two perfect strangers?

I’m sure this isn't how it was supposed to be. 
We're in this room, face to face with passion filled eyes, pleasure running through our veins. 
What are the consequences?  
Let's just cross that bridge when we get there. 
Right now, I'm just reaping the rewards. 
Do we continue "this" or go back to "normal"? 
What does normal even mean anymore?  
The first time that it felt so right. Like nothing can come between us. Nothing came between us, but we came. 
At that moment we became closer than ever. 
But was it worth it? 
Is more than “this friendship” really our purpose? 
Let's get in this bed that we've made together. 
Get close. Now it's me & you. 
There’s no title, but we understand. 
I think the feeling is mutual. 
Correct me if I'm incorrect. 
The next time, It felt real. 
One time isn't fine with me. 
We had time. 
Time to explore. Time to talk. Time to feel. Time to play. 
No wrong could be done. All is well in the world. 
Before I knew it, You were gone. 
Missing without a trace. 
Was it something I said?? 
Look me in my face. 
Same sad love song. 
Separate ways sometimes make for better days. 
Let's agree to disagree & make "this" thing history.