I know there's more to you than the man that I see. Who are you really, when you're not with me?

Behind the scenes there's a person so sour, so foul. You've put on quite a show so I guess you can take your bow.

At first, its not you, its me. Maybe I'm just not what you had in mind. Seems like you were ready to take all of the help that you could find.

Even if it meant hurting innocent people. Even if it meant almost turning the purest heart into something evil.

They say you live and learn, have no regrets. Fuck what they're talking about, they didn't live through this stress.

They didn't have lonely days and sleepless nights. They didn't try to make amends after every fight. They didn't feed you, house you or make sure that you're alright.

Yet and still, you still chose them over your so called Queen. I should've minimized your chances when that dirty mirror became clean.

By clean I don't mean that you told the truth behind your lies. Clean as in I saw the malice in your eyes.

No regrets my ass! I'd take it all back if I could. If I had the chance for a "do over", with no hesitation, I would.

No regrets? Bitch, please. It's hard for me to to even call a man (well let's say male) a bitch but BITCH you got me fucked up and I use it as I see fit.

You must be some big time player with all of the people you fuck over. I lived everyday near drunk until my heart would feel sober.

So drunk to the point that I couldn't feel the excruciating pain. So faded to the point that I couldn't remember your name.

It was me who came running in your many times of need. It was me racing home with a need for speed.

A liar, a cheater, deceiver, heart breaker. If it came down to it, you'd be the giver and the taker.

Giving your ass to kiss, giving multiple lies, taking my love for granted and ignoring my cries.

You were only "the man" in the eyes of others. I saw your soul. I saw your true colors.

I'm glad that I'm not "her" because I know I deserve more. Why wasn't I stronger sooner to show you the door?

After all was said and done, I still tried to find meaning. After the lies, the bitches and fights, I still tried to find reason.

When the lights turned on, everything started looking funny. Nothing you said held any merit, no true intentions of returning the money.

Glad that its over, glad I'm not your girl. I should've listened closer when Foxy said "Let no lame nigga rule your world".

You reap what you sow so I hope that you're ready.  You should have a dolly in tow because this package will be heavy.

There will be no more contact. No reaching out to your momma. There's a special thing for people like you and it's my best friend, Karma.

Before things got better, they started to get worse. Instead of this fairytale, happily ever after ending, it's been plagued by a curse. I waited for you. I put my dreams aside. There was never a time when I wasn't down to ride. We don't have to downplay this because the proof is in the pudding. I continuously put you first, knowing that I shouldn't. The brain game or blame game, who's fault is it anyway? The saddest part is if I had to (back then), I'd do it all again any day. We go up; we go down. This roller coaster makes me nauseous. Knowing that my heart is brittle, you'd think that I'd be more cautious. I gave you parts of me while expecting nothing in return. Instead of extinguishing this wild fire, you let me crash and burn. I've learned my lesson, so this can't happen ever again. I don't want to resent you so let's not be lovers or even friends. You must give to receive, but you don't see that because you're selfish. You took full advantage of my kindness and the fact that I'm genuinely selfless. You can put you're bullshit into something else and completely exclude me. I need happiness in my life, and with you, that will never be.

Let's leave it here with no consequences or repercussions, no lengthy explanations, no drawn out discussions. Why here? Why now? Stop asking so many questions. Where to? What next? There's still too much room here for guessing. This here isn't a game that we're playing. Each time I try to leave, you give me reasons for staying. Stop holding my hand, don't caress my face. We've had this talk already. Please stay in your place. Why is it so hard to let go and run free? Why can't you do this with another and just let me be? Too much raw emotion, this is way too intense. I've put up my barrier, but you're scaling the fence. What's making you try so hard? You barely even know me. You whisper sweet somethings and say its hard to tell, and you'd rather show me.

Before this gets out of hand

Let's stop and think about the process. Before we go any further, what type of skeletons are in your closets? Should I be concerned with your overly aggressive behavior? Should I take a big chunk instead of tiny pieces to savor? How much of you and I are we talking? We don't need to run fast. We can continue brisk walking. Why is it so difficult for me to submit? It is not difficult; I'm just tired of guys who aren't shit. Why should I put forth so much effort to someone who isn't worthy? After you run your course, who will be there to hold me? Who wants a salvaged heart, held together by duct tape and glue? Why should I be so quick to believe that your words are true? Time seems to reveal these important details that you've forgotten to mention. So again, before this gets out of hand, tell me your REAL intentions.

Hopefully, we figure out "when" before its too late. Knowing when to say it is usually harder than actually having to. We know at some point, its necessary but cant. We may be comfortable. We may be weak. We may be insecure. Whatever the case, it has to be on your own terms. You know the pot is about to boil over, you just don't know when or how bad. Be prepared. Turning it off in time may save you from a lot of pain and extra clean up. Save yourself the mess.

  [embed]https://youtu.be/wJfuIps6Ync[/embed]

Everyday I wake up to your foot on my neck, your knee in my back, your gun to my chest. The first thought of the day shouldn't be "will I be next?" However, this is nothing new to you. Just another day of doing whatever it is that you want to do. No one hears my gasps. They don't wipe tears from my eyes. So as I sit with these weights on my shoulders, I try to understand why. What makes your life so much more valuable than mine? Are we not of the same flesh? Do we not bleed the same blood? How can we remain happy in a place that shows no love? Time after time, you get slaps on the wrist for your vicious acts. But in turn, call me an animal when I decided to fight back. I'm tired. The odds were meant to be against me as an adult and since I was a baby. God forbid we speak up because to you, we're just poor and lazy. Did it ever occur to you that this is how you've made me? The simple fact of my being is a crime on its own. Not safe in the street or in the discomfort of my own home. Can't walk down the block without someone clutching their purse. My skin is brown, I have pronounced features which to you, is a curse. Day in and day out I have to prove why I should be respected, left to wonder why our whole race is not one to be protected. No rules, no rights, nothing by "us" or for "us. If not for a negative reason, the world tends to ignore us. Dammit, I'm tired. Tired as a people. Explain to me why I have to beg and fight to be what is considered "equal". Have the mothers and fathers before me not accomplished much? Have we as a race not endured enough? When does it end? Where are these answers? Pray, they say. That's cool and all but now what? We just sit here and wait like a bunch of sitting ducks? Tell me how long it takes to get from point A to B when standing still. Sounds stupid right? They don't want us to learn too much on our own will. We want solutions to these problems. We're always made out to be the issue when things go awry. Have you ever stopped to think about the many reasons why? I was a loser when I got here, my being seems to be the ultimate sin. Times are changing. We're moving mountains. We're preparing for The Win. Why? Because we're fucking tired. Why is that so difficult to understand? Just once put yourself in the shoes of a Black (wo)man. The most unnecessary, useless group, if we let you tell it. That's some deep fried bullshit. We've come so far. I don't have to live by your rules, be looked as inferior or subpar. Dammit, WE are tired.

How much do you really know the person you're spending so much time with? Have you taken the time to learn about them? Have you put in the effort to understand them? You don't have to agree with them but at least see things from their side. I don't want to figure you out, I want to get to know you on a deeper level. Love you.

Live you.

Forever.

Forever is all the time we need to make this never ending journey. From the day that we met, I knew that I needed you more than anything. I needed you more than anyone else. I knew that I was willing to spend the rest of my life improving our relationship. No detail too minuscule. No situation too complex.

We've shared early morning dreams and late night goals. This was our thing. We were inseparable then and we still are now. Just the thought of how far we've come makes me smile. A little piece of my tattered heart regenerates with each moment we share. The same heart that has been crushed, ripped, smashed, taped up and sent on its way still has hope. This is nothing short of true happiness. A feeling of euphoria. Dopamine shoots through my veins with each step that we take together. This was meant to be. Not a soul has come close to delivering or recreating the feeling that you give me. No one has made sense of my being misunderstood. There is no bond like ours. I'd put my life on that.

So from this day on, I vow to be a better person to you. I vow to be a better person to the most important person in my life - myself. When you love yourself, it's so much easier to see those around you for who they are instead of who you want them to be. It's hard to shortchange yourself when you're in love with you. It's hard to let negativity around you when you know how pricelss you are. So I vow to be free of judgement. I vow to be realistic. I vow to never spoon feed myself shit covered in sugar. I vow to never accept wooden nickels or any love less than what I put out.

To you, I vow...

 

Please give me my flowers while I can smell them. Let me enjoy the scent and sight. Please tell me you love me while I can hear you. Don't wait to kiss me good night. You waited & procrastinated. You put me back on the high shelf. Chance after chance, time after time, you only thought about yourself. Those times I sat there, wondering when you'd follow through. But now that the tables have turned, there's nothing more you can do. You waited. So many times we've made loose plans yet somehow they always fell through. When it's said and done it doesn't help to blame me or for me to blame you. No matter how new or old our friendship was, it still meant a great deal. You don't have to speak every day to know that it is for real. You can't plead your case one last time even though you may still try. Just understand life happens too quickly so please wipe the tears from your eyes. Don't beat yourself up or question his ways, I'm getting keys to my new home. I don't have you all here to keep me company but please know that I'm not alone. I understand. I forgive you. Until we meet again. I'm just happy to rest peacefully knowing you were a good friend.

Rest Peacefully Dujuan Capehart aka DJ Diesel 904

Take the time out to reach out to people and follow through on plans of possible. We all live different lives but I know we can switch a few things to send a text, call, FaceTime, 5 minute coffee or something. I'm guilty of it just as the next person is so we all need to do better. You just never know. Death doesn't get easier. It shouldn't. Just know that you've done your part in maintaining healthy relationships and letting go of the trivial things.

It's not hard to see that we're often our own worst critics. People who are self starters, highly motivated and determined to be great usually don't care or pay attention to what those around them say about their progress or product. Instead, they constantly battle against expectations and measurements that they've set for themselves. Its it a completely bad thing because I don't know about you but I love to prove myself right. I love to line goals up and knock them down. I love to set timelines and finish ahead of schedule. The only issue with that is the real world is still happening around us. The time won't stop for us to get our thoughts together while balancing a full time job, social life, relationship etc. Somehow you have to make time for every single thing that you want. There's always that plan of how but it doesn't necessarily mean that it will go in your favor. With this comes the self disappointment and let down. I almost automatically believe that others will let me down way more than I'll let myself down. That doesn't really easy the pain of "failing" your current mission(s). That also doesn't mean that you give up on them. I can write about my let downs, disappointments and under achievements for pages on end. The winner in me won't allow it. Why? Because I know that the only way to fail is not to try. So before you write everything off, step back, go over it and find a different approach. Give yourself a little credit but when when to put a little fire under your ass. I think that's pretty fair. "Don't shoot, don't score."