Standing at the top  of an old scary escalator, I feel myself tense up. Is this thing really secure enough for us? As I walk towards the first step, it becomes easier.

The bright lights surrounding me helped me change my perspective. I would be leaving the gloomy upper level and going into the brightness below. Initially thinking that I was going down, I was now going up.

Although it wasn't physical, I was internally rising. My mood was getting lighter. The steadily illuminating path was my escape.

Sometimes we subconsciously decide on an outcome before the task is even underway. Approaching things with a different, more positive mind can change a lot.

Small pieces make up a puzzle. Life doesn't come in one big piece. There are several "tool not included" and "additional assembly required" stickers all over life.

As much as we just want the great end result, bigger pictures need to be broken down. Task by task. Situation by situation. Day by day.

Perspective is everything. Negative thoughts will 9/10 produce negative outcomes.

Positive Patty can only be around Negative Nancy for so long before she either becomes negative or kicks Nancy to the curb. We have options. Choose the one that better fits your situation and keeps you positive.

There has NEVER been a time in life when I thought about going to Vermont. Like, not for nothing. I really saw no purpose other than to say I did it. That and syrup.

When I moved back to the North East Corridor, my thoughts on certain places began to change. I had to take a job to St. Albans, VT (about 15 miles south of Canada) and it was a little interesting. Cold, but definitely interesting. This included all of the little towns we'd pass through. I wondered if I could ever really live in towns like that. The people were pretty nice and the negative whatever degree weather wasn't so bad since I'd run from the platform to my cab who was always waiting upon arrival. They only bad part was the that the layover was so short. You really didn't have time to do much other than eat and get ready to leave in the morning.

Fast forward a few months, I now have to go to Rutland, VT instead of St. Albans. Rutland was different. Still a small town, it seemed to have a lot more around. On a long layover, I decided to take advantage and walked around since there was a few strip malls at the main road. I found an Applebee's type of establishment to have lunch at before I got ready to get back on the road. It was extremely obvious that I wasn't from the area. I sat at the bar and the waitress promptly came over to introduce herself and to let me know of the specials.

The group of 6 or so men sitting across from me kind of just looked at me and continued watching the game. One lady was sitting next to me and soon after, another joined on the other side of me. Both were pleasant and we exchanged small talk.

Being the only Black person felt slightly weird yet powerful. I went into several stores afterwards and it was the same case. People just looked. Of course, I had my headphones in and didn't pay it much mind but I still felt the stares.

Although I didn't get to really enjoy the scenery and explore much, what I did see was beautiful. I was actually pretty upset that I couldn't get more pictures. Part of traveling is being open-minded and willing to do things you wouldn't normally do. Luckily for me, I was paid to do it so I definitely took advantage.

Experience things.

"Why you wanna fly, Blackbird? You ain't ever gonna fly."

For whatever reason, I woke up this morning and watched Beyond The Lights on Netflix. In the beginning, I didn't realize the importance of the opening song - Nina Simone's Blackbird. I continued watching, and it started to become clear. Everything had a meaning. While I sat on my bed, still wrapped in my covers, emotion took over me. I felt just like Noni. No, I've never physically sat on the ledge, but I've been there mentally. There have been days where I've seriously thought about throwing my phone into the Biscayne Bay or somewhere on the rails and walking away from everything in life. Every last thing. It seemed like every time I was close to finding myself and my peace; I'd get lost again. Every single time. Once I'd get comfortable, things would start happening again. I really couldn't figure out why this continued to happen. I know they say that life isn't fair but my goodness! Why did life want me to be stagnant? Why wasn't I allowed to make more moves? Why couldn't I follow my dreams? People who were undeserving and lazy had it so easy yet those like myself had to prove ourselves constantly. I always had to prove my strength. Life wanted to have a never ending pissing contest with me. I needed answers then, and I still need answers now. The only difference between then and now is that I live according to my rules. I do what I want. Time has never been on my side so now; I take advantage as much as possible.

"No place big enough for holding, All the tears you're gonna cry."

There was nothing that could make me happy. I worked non-stop. I had very few days off and put in nearly 300 hours every month. I'd make it a part of my after work routine to stop and get a drink. There was always wine in the fridge and a liquor store close by if something more was needed. I didn't want to go down that road. That was the last thing I needed to add into my life's issues. As often as I could, I'd go out to mingle or see friends. It wasn't getting any better. Not even a little bit. Most days felt like they'd never end. Nights couldn't come soon enough. When night did fall, it was over in 3 blinks. I couldn't escape reality by running to my dreams because my dreams were a direct reflection of my reality. The two were inseparable. Where was my happy place? I questioned every decision that I'd made in the last eight months.

"Your momma's name was Lonely, and your daddy's name was Pain. & they called you Little Sorrow cuz you'll never love again."

I'm almost certain that a lot of my issues have to do with my relationship with my parent. It's been a long, rainy, twisted road with all types of roadblocks, dead ends, tolls and washed out bridges. I can't call it the worst, but it wasn't the best either. On several occasions, we'd go weeks if not months without speaking. I've never done it out of spite, but there's a certain level of responsibility and obligation that a parent has. I was tired of being the grown up. I didn't want to be the person always reaching out as if I had sick and elderly parents. It would have been easier to understand if that was the case, but it wasn't. I'm not sure if it was ego's or pride, but that shit goes out the window when you have a young child. Maybe they were too young to grasp it. Maybe it was a cycle that wasn't looking to bend or break. Instead of me being able to "stay in a child's place," I was forced to be an adult. Having more responsibility was never a big problem for me but why was it mandatory? Why couldn't I just be a regular kid? Picking up the slack and making sure that shit got done was always on my to-do list.

"You ain't got no one to hold you. You ain't got no one to care."

My notebooks have always been my go-to person. Even when I'd talk to a human friend, I'd end up with pen and paper to finish what I started. My pages would never be annoyed with having to be a friend. My notebook would never sigh or roll its eyes. My notebook would never be tired of me. The only way I'd be talking too much was when I ran out of pages. Luckily, I'd have a fresh one on standby. The party continued. Believe it or not but sometimes the person who everyone else runs to needs somebody to run to. On occasion, that backfires. You make an honest attempt to sort your thoughts out, and the person slaps you in the face. Why on Earth (or any other planet) would you make a friend feel like they're a burden? How long ago were you the person who needed somebody? I'll never understand that. No wonder so many people keep things to themselves. Sometimes, we don't want you to say anything. Just listen. I don't want to explode and take my frustrations out on innocent people so writing (or talking) about it can save me from that situation. The day you push someone away while they're on the ledge just may be the day that they jump or better yet, slip because, in their heart and mind, they know that their body doesn't belong there. They need a hand.

"If you'd only understand, Dear. Nobody wants you anywhere."

Personally, it's easier to deal with my issues alone. The day that these pages are no more is possibly the day that life is no more. Not everyone has ill intentions, but some only wish you well enough to pull through but not to move up and on. People want you to do well but not better than them. It's damned if you do and damned if you don't because they'll talk about you at your lowest and highest points. Everybody needs somebody at some point, but I encourage you to be confident and comfortable with yourself. You'll always have your own back. Even when you fuck up, you'll still have your best interest in mind. It doesn't matter where "they" want (or don't want) you to be. Be you. Do you. Do it for you. Your reason is good enough.

You can make me happy, but I can't let you be the only reason.

You change my weather, but you can't be my only season.

I can't give that power away so quickly these days.

You can brighten up my life but not as much as the sun's rays.

Don't take that as an insult and I'm not just speaking on impulse.

But I just need you to understand that I can't give that away to any old man.

I want you to respect my heart and also learn it.

I want to give you my all but honestly; you need to earn it.

This isn't anything new to me, and I won't be blinded by your jewelry just for the fact that I can't let you make a fool of me.

Understand that when you stop by, I'll be heavily armed.

That's not to hurt you but merely to protect me from your deadly charm.

I know the blaze that comes with this will require all four alarms.

In addition, I'm running from an already ticking bomb.

This is presumed to be the explosion that will, in turn, rid me of all prior corrosion.

There's nothing wrong with wanting a new start.

Especially when it pertains to matters of an abused heart.

Again this has everything and nothing to do with you, and there are few doubts that this wouldn't be beautiful.

I'd instead take less time accusing you of destroying barren crops that are dying to be fruitful.

Youthful.

Truthful.

May the basket be too full.

Full of love, full of life.

I've lived many sunrises in the wrong and plenty of nights not living right.

The glass is always half full until it's half empty.

The cup never has enough until it has plenty.

Looking down the barrel of this weapon of mass destruction, I see no fear.

I see no end to this bottle even though the bottom is so clear.

The more I indulge, the more I realize how much I'm jaded.

The once silver outline is now oh so faded.

I should probably stop here, but I continue.

I know my limits, but that doesn't trump the things that I've been through.

I very well know that I have a Patron problem but what I'm unsure of is if you add to or solve them.

I've been putting the bottle down as I've been picking it up, but I noticed that I enjoy you so much that I don't give a fuck.

I contradict my thoughts at times, but I can't help it.

I've never hidden the fact that when it comes to you, I'm incredibly selfish.

Not a care in the world and I don't think that I should have one.

When I wake up with this potential hangover, at least I'll know that I had fun.

I need to report an accident. I was going home and he just came out of nowhere.

I was trying to slow down but we were going too fast. I looked over towards the car then all of a sudden, we just crashed.

We were in different lanes but he merged and I followed. I intended to just stop but mistook the break for the throttle.

This was going on for miles before the accident took place. I should have turned right but I had to see his face.

I just had to meet the driver. I had to win this race.

Block after block, slowing down and speeding up. Seems like we were both looking for something but neither of us would say what.

No cars in sight, no homes on these streets. Red light, Green light, stop, go and repeat.

We did this over and over, not sure of what our destination is. I wanted to go home but somehow I ended up like this.

In a ball of twisted metal, burning rubber and broken glass, the crazy thing about it is no one was injured in this crash.

I got out to check on him as he got out to check on me. No bumps, no bruises, no trauma that could be seen.

As we stood there looking at each other in awe, we took a minute to look back but couldn't recognize either car.

Everything was a blur, I couldn't understand this mess. I tried to remain strong throughout this heart wrenching test.

Paramedics rushed the scene, we put up a good fight. We both locked eyes and wished each other a good night.

Two hearts no longer broken, cold or torn, the connection grew stronger, faster and warm.

Though accidents happen, not all are in vain. We dusted it all off and together, we rid each other of previous pain.

A new found love, a dozen blossoming roses, so glad to start this journey before the iron door closes.

I know there's more to you than the man that I see. Who are you really, when you're not with me?

Behind the scenes there's a person so sour, so foul. You've put on quite a show so I guess you can take your bow.

At first, its not you, its me. Maybe I'm just not what you had in mind. Seems like you were ready to take all of the help that you could find.

Even if it meant hurting innocent people. Even if it meant almost turning the purest heart into something evil.

They say you live and learn, have no regrets. Fuck what they're talking about, they didn't live through this stress.

They didn't have lonely days and sleepless nights. They didn't try to make amends after every fight. They didn't feed you, house you or make sure that you're alright.

Yet and still, you still chose them over your so called Queen. I should've minimized your chances when that dirty mirror became clean.

By clean I don't mean that you told the truth behind your lies. Clean as in I saw the malice in your eyes.

No regrets my ass! I'd take it all back if I could. If I had the chance for a "do over", with no hesitation, I would.

No regrets? Bitch, please. It's hard for me to to even call a man (well let's say male) a bitch but BITCH you got me fucked up and I use it as I see fit.

You must be some big time player with all of the people you fuck over. I lived everyday near drunk until my heart would feel sober.

So drunk to the point that I couldn't feel the excruciating pain. So faded to the point that I couldn't remember your name.

It was me who came running in your many times of need. It was me racing home with a need for speed.

A liar, a cheater, deceiver, heart breaker. If it came down to it, you'd be the giver and the taker.

Giving your ass to kiss, giving multiple lies, taking my love for granted and ignoring my cries.

You were only "the man" in the eyes of others. I saw your soul. I saw your true colors.

I'm glad that I'm not "her" because I know I deserve more. Why wasn't I stronger sooner to show you the door?

After all was said and done, I still tried to find meaning. After the lies, the bitches and fights, I still tried to find reason.

When the lights turned on, everything started looking funny. Nothing you said held any merit, no true intentions of returning the money.

Glad that its over, glad I'm not your girl. I should've listened closer when Foxy said "Let no lame nigga rule your world".

You reap what you sow so I hope that you're ready.  You should have a dolly in tow because this package will be heavy.

There will be no more contact. No reaching out to your momma. There's a special thing for people like you and it's my best friend, Karma.

Before things got better, they started to get worse. Instead of this fairytale, happily ever after ending, it's been plagued by a curse. I waited for you. I put my dreams aside. There was never a time when I wasn't down to ride. We don't have to downplay this because the proof is in the pudding. I continuously put you first, knowing that I shouldn't. The brain game or blame game, who's fault is it anyway? The saddest part is if I had to (back then), I'd do it all again any day. We go up; we go down. This roller coaster makes me nauseous. Knowing that my heart is brittle, you'd think that I'd be more cautious. I gave you parts of me while expecting nothing in return. Instead of extinguishing this wild fire, you let me crash and burn. I've learned my lesson, so this can't happen ever again. I don't want to resent you so let's not be lovers or even friends. You must give to receive, but you don't see that because you're selfish. You took full advantage of my kindness and the fact that I'm genuinely selfless. You can put you're bullshit into something else and completely exclude me. I need happiness in my life, and with you, that will never be.

Another early morning in the Greatest Place on Earth. Another picture to add to the dozens that I already have stored. How can you ever get tired of it? There's always a new color, pattern or effect when you think you've seen em all.

There's something about this time of morning that comforts my lonely commute. Today was unusually still. The people outside were at somewhat of a slower pace. They were almost still. My eyes didn't have to dart all over the place. My focus was so unfocused. Silence had completely consumed me. I could hear myself think. I could see my reflections in the storefront and lobby glass. My footsteps rang for blocks at a time.

If there was ever a moment of unsure certainty, this was it. Everything made all of the sense and no sense at the same time. Things that I'd been trying not to think about made their way to my mind. Things that I had tried to forget were nowhere to be found.

I was at my very own dynamic equilibrium.

Oh, how I love NYC.