Let's leave it here with no consequences or repercussions, no lengthy explanations, no drawn out discussions. Why here? Why now? Stop asking so many questions. Where to? What next? There's still too much room here for guessing. This here isn't a game that we're playing. Each time I try to leave, you give me reasons for staying. Stop holding my hand, don't caress my face. We've had this talk already. Please stay in your place. Why is it so hard to let go and run free? Why can't you do this with another and just let me be? Too much raw emotion, this is way too intense. I've put up my barrier, but you're scaling the fence. What's making you try so hard? You barely even know me. You whisper sweet somethings and say its hard to tell, and you'd rather show me.

Before this gets out of hand

Let's stop and think about the process. Before we go any further, what type of skeletons are in your closets? Should I be concerned with your overly aggressive behavior? Should I take a big chunk instead of tiny pieces to savor? How much of you and I are we talking? We don't need to run fast. We can continue brisk walking. Why is it so difficult for me to submit? It is not difficult; I'm just tired of guys who aren't shit. Why should I put forth so much effort to someone who isn't worthy? After you run your course, who will be there to hold me? Who wants a salvaged heart, held together by duct tape and glue? Why should I be so quick to believe that your words are true? Time seems to reveal these important details that you've forgotten to mention. So again, before this gets out of hand, tell me your REAL intentions.

"Oui j'ai pleuré mais ce jourNon, je ne pleurerai pas" - The Weeknd

There really is nothing like visiting a new city. It's even better when you're getting paid to be there. Although it was cold (I mean, it is Canada), Montreal is a beautiful city. There was no shortage of variety or people. Arriving later on a Sunday evening, there was no doubt in my mind that it would be a ghost town. To my surprise, it was pretty lively. I did hear that it was a college town but I had no idea it would be so busy. It wasn't an overcrowded busy but definitely displayed signs of life. After having dinner at Italian restaurant named Da Giovanni, I called it a night. A few hours later, I'd be on my way back through customs.

Hopefully, we figure out "when" before its too late. Knowing when to say it is usually harder than actually having to. We know at some point, its necessary but cant. We may be comfortable. We may be weak. We may be insecure. Whatever the case, it has to be on your own terms. You know the pot is about to boil over, you just don't know when or how bad. Be prepared. Turning it off in time may save you from a lot of pain and extra clean up. Save yourself the mess.

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Everyday I wake up to your foot on my neck, your knee in my back, your gun to my chest. The first thought of the day shouldn't be "will I be next?" However, this is nothing new to you. Just another day of doing whatever it is that you want to do. No one hears my gasps. They don't wipe tears from my eyes. So as I sit with these weights on my shoulders, I try to understand why. What makes your life so much more valuable than mine? Are we not of the same flesh? Do we not bleed the same blood? How can we remain happy in a place that shows no love? Time after time, you get slaps on the wrist for your vicious acts. But in turn, call me an animal when I decided to fight back. I'm tired. The odds were meant to be against me as an adult and since I was a baby. God forbid we speak up because to you, we're just poor and lazy. Did it ever occur to you that this is how you've made me? The simple fact of my being is a crime on its own. Not safe in the street or in the discomfort of my own home. Can't walk down the block without someone clutching their purse. My skin is brown, I have pronounced features which to you, is a curse. Day in and day out I have to prove why I should be respected, left to wonder why our whole race is not one to be protected. No rules, no rights, nothing by "us" or for "us. If not for a negative reason, the world tends to ignore us. Dammit, I'm tired. Tired as a people. Explain to me why I have to beg and fight to be what is considered "equal". Have the mothers and fathers before me not accomplished much? Have we as a race not endured enough? When does it end? Where are these answers? Pray, they say. That's cool and all but now what? We just sit here and wait like a bunch of sitting ducks? Tell me how long it takes to get from point A to B when standing still. Sounds stupid right? They don't want us to learn too much on our own will. We want solutions to these problems. We're always made out to be the issue when things go awry. Have you ever stopped to think about the many reasons why? I was a loser when I got here, my being seems to be the ultimate sin. Times are changing. We're moving mountains. We're preparing for The Win. Why? Because we're fucking tired. Why is that so difficult to understand? Just once put yourself in the shoes of a Black (wo)man. The most unnecessary, useless group, if we let you tell it. That's some deep fried bullshit. We've come so far. I don't have to live by your rules, be looked as inferior or subpar. Dammit, WE are tired.

How much do you really know the person you're spending so much time with? Have you taken the time to learn about them? Have you put in the effort to understand them? You don't have to agree with them but at least see things from their side. I don't want to figure you out, I want to get to know you on a deeper level. Love you.

Live you.

Forever.

Forever is all the time we need to make this never ending journey. From the day that we met, I knew that I needed you more than anything. I needed you more than anyone else. I knew that I was willing to spend the rest of my life improving our relationship. No detail too minuscule. No situation too complex.

We've shared early morning dreams and late night goals. This was our thing. We were inseparable then and we still are now. Just the thought of how far we've come makes me smile. A little piece of my tattered heart regenerates with each moment we share. The same heart that has been crushed, ripped, smashed, taped up and sent on its way still has hope. This is nothing short of true happiness. A feeling of euphoria. Dopamine shoots through my veins with each step that we take together. This was meant to be. Not a soul has come close to delivering or recreating the feeling that you give me. No one has made sense of my being misunderstood. There is no bond like ours. I'd put my life on that.

So from this day on, I vow to be a better person to you. I vow to be a better person to the most important person in my life - myself. When you love yourself, it's so much easier to see those around you for who they are instead of who you want them to be. It's hard to shortchange yourself when you're in love with you. It's hard to let negativity around you when you know how pricelss you are. So I vow to be free of judgement. I vow to be realistic. I vow to never spoon feed myself shit covered in sugar. I vow to never accept wooden nickels or any love less than what I put out.

To you, I vow...

 

Please give me my flowers while I can smell them. Let me enjoy the scent and sight. Please tell me you love me while I can hear you. Don't wait to kiss me good night. You waited & procrastinated. You put me back on the high shelf. Chance after chance, time after time, you only thought about yourself. Those times I sat there, wondering when you'd follow through. But now that the tables have turned, there's nothing more you can do. You waited. So many times we've made loose plans yet somehow they always fell through. When it's said and done it doesn't help to blame me or for me to blame you. No matter how new or old our friendship was, it still meant a great deal. You don't have to speak every day to know that it is for real. You can't plead your case one last time even though you may still try. Just understand life happens too quickly so please wipe the tears from your eyes. Don't beat yourself up or question his ways, I'm getting keys to my new home. I don't have you all here to keep me company but please know that I'm not alone. I understand. I forgive you. Until we meet again. I'm just happy to rest peacefully knowing you were a good friend.

Rest Peacefully Dujuan Capehart aka DJ Diesel 904

Take the time out to reach out to people and follow through on plans of possible. We all live different lives but I know we can switch a few things to send a text, call, FaceTime, 5 minute coffee or something. I'm guilty of it just as the next person is so we all need to do better. You just never know. Death doesn't get easier. It shouldn't. Just know that you've done your part in maintaining healthy relationships and letting go of the trivial things.

We all have that place that puts us in our comfort zone. If not completely, it at least starts the process of getting comfortable. For so many years, I hid from this place. I unintentionally ran from it. At some point, it became more hurtful than helpful to leave it partially behind. The place that birthed me became familiar but new. My beloved, New York City was That Place.

Years ago, you'd only catch me in the 5 boroughs twice a year or for family gatherings. I'd never forgotten about home but I didn't love being there anymore. I didn't enjoy what it had to offer. I definitely didn't appreciate the winter months. By luck, chance or blessing, I took a new job and New York City became apart of my weekly itinerary. In some cases, I'd be there twice in one week. As familiar as I was with this place, I began to find a new love for it. I began to reignite the fire that used to light the pavement before and after every step I took. You never really lose your NYC but it sometimes tones down and takes a seat.  This fire would soon start a 4-alarm blaze to life as I knew it.

In the last 18 months or so, I watched my life erupt into flames. Smoke billowed inside of and around me. I knew it was toxic yet I couldn't find an extinguisher or a window to open. Slowly, my charred remains became so evident, I could no longer recognize myself. I had no idea who was in the mirror. The only part that reminded me of me was my writing. No matter what I looked or felt like, this was me. There was no denying it.

With a spirit and mind so deeply damaged, it was hard to pick up the pieces (I laugh a little because of the Hustle Man episode of Martin). Each time that I left Miami and went home, it started to feel more like home. I began repairing myself, one city block at a time. Aimlessly walking through the city, visiting family and reconnecting with friends became more important than any beach day. Sitting in the park with my notebook and writing app made sense. It put things into perspective. Not to say there aren't days where I want to go back but, now is not the time.

Not one person in my inner circle imagined that I'd move back any time soon. Not one. I grew restless and stagnant almost overnight. I threw the idea out there but I knew no one would take it seriously. The more I thought about it, the more I grew attached to the idea and the more it made sense. I didn't need anyone to cosign it, I just needed you to listen and be supportive. With slight delay, I made my exit. Everything was sold minus my clothes. There was no need in carrying more than I could handle. Although I had to make a pitstop in DC for 2.5 months, I was gone. New York (via New Jersey for economic reasons) was home again. No longer the young lady from the Bronx, I returned as the grown woman ready to take care of business.

Remembering and rebuilding myself was difficult and easy at the same time. I don't have the answers but I have a pretty good idea of what works for me. Find your place and never neglect it. Let it lead you to your next peace and place.

It's not hard to see that we're often our own worst critics. People who are self starters, highly motivated and determined to be great usually don't care or pay attention to what those around them say about their progress or product. Instead, they constantly battle against expectations and measurements that they've set for themselves. Its it a completely bad thing because I don't know about you but I love to prove myself right. I love to line goals up and knock them down. I love to set timelines and finish ahead of schedule. The only issue with that is the real world is still happening around us. The time won't stop for us to get our thoughts together while balancing a full time job, social life, relationship etc. Somehow you have to make time for every single thing that you want. There's always that plan of how but it doesn't necessarily mean that it will go in your favor. With this comes the self disappointment and let down. I almost automatically believe that others will let me down way more than I'll let myself down. That doesn't really easy the pain of "failing" your current mission(s). That also doesn't mean that you give up on them. I can write about my let downs, disappointments and under achievements for pages on end. The winner in me won't allow it. Why? Because I know that the only way to fail is not to try. So before you write everything off, step back, go over it and find a different approach. Give yourself a little credit but when when to put a little fire under your ass. I think that's pretty fair. "Don't shoot, don't score."