Why haven’t I finished my book? I haven’t finished my book because I fell out of love with it. I fell out of love with the process. There was a time where I would eat, sleep and live for finishing my book. As of late, I barely want to open the file. Most days, I don’t open it. I find other projects to consume my time. Other projects get my time and energy. I’ve been working so hard to protect and preserve my positive vibes that I've lost interest in things and lost contact with people. I’ve also gained a new understanding of being number one on my list. It was hard making moves solely for me being that I’ve always been so generous with my time and energy. I’d leave and continuously forget to lock the door and close the gate behind me. I put too much effort into the learning curve and not enough into actually learning a lesson. There’s only a matter of time before you fall back into the same habits. You fall for the Okie Doke. Procrastinating got the best of me. I didn’t need a reason to, I just did it. I constantly let people and things distract me from the bigger picture. I no longer had my eyes on the prize. I lost grasp of what was important to me. My writing was important. Writing IS important.

When I severed some of my ties, my writing suffered. Anything that I started to write became annoying. It was no longer fun. I was rarely up to the challenge. I stopped reading. I lost my zone.  I had to find a way to let writing be the bridge between my old relationships and those that I had recently begun to form. Despite the bullshit, I still had a lot to say. I slowly found new motivation. I opened my senses. I welcomed new ideas and writing styles. I started feeling like I’m back. I AM back. I vowed never to let another steal my peace. Each and every situation will be motivation. If this meant that I'd have to write about the same topic five times until I like what it says, so be it. I say that mainly because I’ve gone through about four rough drafts of THIS piece before  I was even remotely pleased with it. Point being, keep writing. This shit doesn’t stop. Writing any and everything forces you to come up with words. These words form sentences. Before you know it, you’ve filled a whole page. It may not be something that you wish to post or share but it’s a part of the process. Respect The Process. Finish what you start or close out that chapter and start something new. Challenge your mind. Test your writing style. Expand your thinking. These ideas mean something.

So again, why haven’t I finished my book? Simply put, I’m only getting better. Greatness takes time.    

"Instead of beefin wit ya dawg, just give him some distance." - Rick Ross

Sometimes you have to love people from afar. Everyone won't be able to inspire you to reach that next level. As much as you want to keep people around, you can't. You outgrow them. You surpass them when it comes to wanting and doing more. There are days where I want to reach out to people knowing how empty our conversations are. There's nothing to talk about or its just the same corner store talk. It gets old. It's stagnant. It's boring. Nevertheless, I still want them to see the bigger picture. There are so many people that I wish I could've taken on this journey, but it wouldn't have been healthy. Distance isn't always a bad thing. It doesn't mean that we aren't cool anymore. Sometimes, distance is the crutch that you need to knock from under you. Embrace the change.

Then, you have the people who always have you in some situation that is harmful. "Not today, Satan". Everyone doesn't mean you well wishes. I can't risk losing all that I've worked my ass off for, in the name of "friendship". Not to say that all friendships or relationships need to be a transaction but you have to be able to gain, in one way or another. If I can't feed off of you or pick your brain in a progressive way, why are we here? Where do we go from here? I need to be able to learn from you the same way that you learn from me. Help me the way that I help you. Yes, we'll have our off days but that doesn't stop the process. It may be the most extreme action, but It's hard to cut people off completely. Although it's not always necessary to excommunicate yourself from people, it is necessary to change the way that you deal with them. If I can't help or benefit you, I'd expect you to keep me at a distance and adjust the dynamics of the relationship.

Understand that life is about learning and making mistakes. We fix them and move forward. We fall and rise up. We form new relationships and friendships just as the old ones desolve. Don't feel bad for protecting yourself. If you can later reopen that door, there's nothing wrong with that. When you change the way you move, you change the things that you can do. Don't go out of your way to salvage a lemon. Hope that doesn't go over your head.

Love,

Chan

Loving you is easy because I want to. 

There’s no convincing myself that it’s the right thing to do.

There’s no debating if too much love is enough for you.

I don’t cut corners.

I don’t take breaks.

I don’t short change.

It’s all or nothing. Flaws and all.

Love No Limit.

I do it because it’s necessary.

Why wouldn’t I?

Why shouldn’t I?

When there’s nobody in my corner, you pull up a chair.

When the chips are down, you come through with a refill.

You’re like a 10 ft charger when the outlet is across the room.

Who needs an umbrella in the rain when you’re by my side?

Your love is a fresh brew of the finest Colombian roast.

Your love is priority boarding on a sold out flight.

You come through.

Always have. Always will.

Unfuckwitable.

When you love you for who you are, you never have to worry about what real love feels like.

It’s either love or it isn’t.

Loving you is just that, Loving YOU.

Love Yourself.

Love, 

Chan

I’m looking for you. 

I’m looking for it. 

Somewhere to be found. 

Something to see. 

It’s here. 

No, I’m not sure what it is but it’s around. 

Somewhere among these hills. 

Somewhere between the sheep. 

Somewhere hidden within these waterfalls. Maybe it’s under these rocks. 

It has to be here, somewhere. 

The path is narrow. 

The ground is slippery at times but we hold on. 

These walking sticks that we found on the way here were a great idea. 

I don’t need it to carry all of my weight. 

It just makes it a little easier. 

We climb. 

Sometimes, off of the usual path to see what else is around and find a clue but not too far. 

We don’t know where it’s going to take us but as long as there’s a trail, we’ll walk. 

People pass and speak. 

They all seem to have found what they came to see but we’re not quite there yet. 

We continue. 

We walk on. 

Stopping every so often to admire nature’s beauty, it actually looks fake. 

At the same time, how can you think that something artificial could look better than what was given to us by nature? 

This is beautiful. 

We near the end. 

As the trail curves, we do the same. 

This particular curve was a lot different. Stunned by its beauty, we stop. 

We are in awe. 

We smile because it was worth it. 

It was almost like a silent high five. 

Photos do it no justice. 

Everyone should witness this for themselves. 

The water is calm. 

The sheep are relaxing. 

There’s even a dog up here swimming in the loch. 

It’s owners are stretched out on the grass. 

It’s all so calming. 

Nothing like the noises that you’d normally hear. 

Just nature. 

I’m okay with that. 

They say the best things in life are free. 

I agree. 

The 2 pounds for parking was well worth it. 

A justified expense. 

This is surreal. 

If lochness monsters exist, they have a beautiful home. 

Now, for the journey down. 

We won. 

We continue to win.

Grey Mare’s Tail and Loch Skeen are conquered! 

Little known fact: It's okay to mind your business and move around. Everything doesn’t require a comment from you. I’m sure you knew that already but just in case you didn’t, I’m here to remind you. For example, when you tell someone that they’re skinny (or fat), you’re pretty much telling them some shit that they already know and hear often. Thanks for being so observant. A+ for you. “Hey, your hairline is pushed back!” Thanks for noticing, bitch. 

I use profanity not because my vocabulary is limited but because I like curse words. Pick your fucking poison. Don’t tell me it’s not ladylike to curse or ask if I kiss my mother with that mouth. You had kids out of wedlock and can’t keep a job but do I judge?

For natural girls, It’s annoying when we change our hair and people say “Oh wow, you did your hair!” No, I changed my hair. It grows out of my head the way you normally see it. When a man cuts his hair, you don’t tell him that he did his hair? He changed it. So as a woman, me changing it shouldn't be referred to as “getting it done”. If I choose to wear an afro for the next 30 years, that’s my business. 

When you travel often, people always have an opinion about how you get to do it. There’s always an excuse for being able to do it. Maybe I choose what I want to spend money on more carefully. I’m not opposed to having trips paid for but stop acting like it’s impossible to pay for some shit unless you’re going to the moon.

I’d like to think that social media is partially to blame for this lack of restraint or respect. Why? Because people are so damn comfortable saying shit and offering their opinion about any and everything that doesn’t concern them. People will miss the whole damn point of something and zone in on something that has nothing to do with the price of tea in China. Before you focus on the “supporting facts” ask yourself what the main message of it was. Is your mental capacity that diminished that you can’t get yourself to (try to) see the bigger picture?

You don’t like my wallpaper? Cool. My socks don’t match? Great. My baby father left when I told him I was pregnant? AND?! Okay, I pushed it with the last one but gatdamn! People are judgy as fuck for no reason. Nobody said anything when you got evicted or arrested for fraud. People have their flaws and it’s not necessary to point every damn one out every damn time. 

I’m not sure why people feel like their opinion validates a situation or circumstance with a total stranger. Because you have an opinion, I think i’ll change everything about me. Man, if you don’t get the fuck from me. 

Stating the obvious is kind of redundant, unless asked. When it all balls down, we really don’t care either way. But we would like to thank you for wasting your time. If people put half as much energy into their own affairs, I'm sure they may get something important done. It doesn't seem as if it will happen today or anytime soon, but whatever. 

Sometimes, creatives hold back because of this same backlash and opinion. When you look closer, you’re really selling yourself short because nobody else has the balls to say what you want to say. Why would you even care so much to adjust the way you move to accommodate their opinions? You fell in line with the rest of them. 

Be a rebel. Not for the title but for yourself. 

Yall get on my nerves. Nobody made you the emperor of people’s affairs. The moral of the story is, shut the fuck and mind your business.

We never experienced the back and forth bullshit. We never had any real drama to deal with. 

We never held back about a single thing but you decided to take your throne as the Lyin King.

What I want to know is why?

Why after all of this time, you decide that now was the time to lie?

Needless to say, this wasn’t a match made by cupid but don’t play me like i'm stupid.

I don’t think that you know what you’re doing but an insult to my intelligence is far worse than the lies that you’ve been spewing.

We made it clear from jump.

You make it look so easy to please me but I don’t feel like you’re any good for my mental.

Yes, I’ll most likely miss the way that you’d come for me everytime that I sent for you.

Believe it or not, as much as I love seeing you stand there in all of your glory, this situation is starting to bore me.

I mean, we haven’t lost that connection but this thing is running it’s course.

These bullshit stories are something else.

Not because I’m believing them but because you really think that I am.

I know all about your type. You won’t initiate it but you’ll wait for the right time to pick a fight.

We were never meant to be. We became each other's newfound hobby.

We just happened to keep navigating through those hotel lobbies.

Late night hugs turn to Good morning kisses. Now that we can be no more, there's no hard feeling just a lot of well wishes.

There’s plenty of em in the sea so it's nothing for me to keep fishin.

When it comes back around I hope you have the strength to hold the plates that you've been dishin.

Dear Mail Carrier,

I respect your job and the responsibilities that come with it. I just wish that you could pick and choose which letters to deliver. My mailbox has been the same so It’s not hard to find me. I’m not attracted to shiny things so the fancy boxes will never blind me. I’ve learned that the exterior never really reflects what is on the inside. Just a bunch of bells and whistles to disguise the sloppy lies. I waited so long to tear this particular letter open. I was hoping that the sender made a mistake and was just joking. Boy, was I wrong. As I made my way down the page, yet again, it was the same sad song. How many times can you plead the same case? How many times can you say one thing and do another to my face? I invested in you to make for a better us but somehow you proved to be much more of a liability. These assets behind me seem to be working out perfectly fine without the stresses of trying to make someone realize their blessings. I’m not sure how you’d want me to act “normal” or with much civility. It was YOU who forced this within change in ME. You made a peaceful mindstate become so angry. Angry for the love that once made me smile. Angry about the soft words that are now nothing short of volatile. For some reason, you seem to think that you can never do any wrong. Yet you are steady fucking up something good for something that’s already gone. Don’t be mad when I move on. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t come around and then disappear for days. You can’t honestly think that you’re the best thing that ever came around. You voice your opinion and when it’s time to man up, you rarely make a sound. No excuses for the stupid shit that you continue to do. No one or nothing is ever on your mind other than you. I’ve been fighting for this for as long as I can remember. I’ve been beating myself internally until my heart became tender. I thought you were a winner. The best part about it all was working on myself. So ultimately I have to thank you for the help. No, I don’t hate you and there’s no longer any resentment. I’m just grateful for the chance to shorten my sentence. I wanted to hold on but there’s no way of justifying another surrender. So I’ll reseal this letter and ask that it please be returned back to it’s sender.

Love,

Chan

Love like this isn’t for the weak hearted.

You’ll be pushed away, pulled in closer, spun around and knocked off of your feet.

You’ll feel the rush of fresh feels.

You’ll feel that pit in the bottom of your stomach.

Each time it draws you near, you’ll want to run from it.

Maybe it’s going to be just like the last one who was supposed to be the last one.

Maybe it will unlock a new ventricle of your heart.

A new chamber filled with love that you never knew existed.

Maybe it will be that last train out of town that you’ll regret if you miss it.

There’s always another one coming soon, you say.

Maybe in an hour, maybe a day or a week.

Who knows?

What would have happened if you had caught THAT one?

You will never have that same opportunity again.

The perfect time to make the perfect connection.

You know what is for you will find you.

In a world so corrupt and negative, you seem to stay in high spirits.

No rush to chase it.

It just happens.

It will always happen.

Through the hardships and struggles.

Through the slick remarks and smart ass rebuttals.

Through the mystery and uncertainty of starting something new,

Through the process of finally finding YOU.

Those nights of tossing and turning seem to be worth it.

Those trials and tribulations have served their purpose.

The mood swings and tears.

The confusion and overcoming your deepest of fears.

We’ve stood together.

Even through times when we were forced to change who stood first or the longest or in the front.

Always well protected.

The respect is there.

Even at our lowest points, we were able to come to an understanding.

One hand washes the other, they both wash the face.

Together, anything is possible.

Together, we are unstoppable.

No, it probably won’t get easier anytime soon but there’s still time to grow and plenty of time to bloom.

I Love You.

Love, 

Chan