I’m just trying to figure out the difference. The difference between a real relationship and whatever the hell “this” is.

She has the heart that’s too big and a love that’s too strong. She’s always sure to do you right, yet you only seem to do wrong.

It’s gone on for far too long.

You never say it with your actions but you claim that you love her. You won’t hold up your end of the deal but won’t let her get it from another.

This was not made for drama or cheap thrills. She has a soul so electrifying with love so intense it gives you chills.

She is the real deal.

At times I can’t help but to wonder how a man can always want fresh milk yet never want to buy the whole cow.

So foul.

How about you mooove over. Take that unnecessary stress off of that beautiful woman’s shoulder.

Don’t continuously eat the fruit of her labor then act as if it’s you who’s doing her a favor.

Don’t be so selfish. You make it seem as if she’s the one who’s needy meanwhile you’re the one who’s helpless.

I hope your daughters don’t catch hell for this.

It’s best that you break the cycle. We both know that it’s only a matter of time before they meet a man who is just like you.

At that point, I hope you’re ready to explain how you treated good girls like them exactly the same.

It’s such a shame.

Why put undeserving people people through the intentional pain?

Fucking lame.

One day your good girl will get fed up and flip the table. No hug, kisses or clever words will be able to save you.

She will no longer care about that so-called survivor’s guilt. You destroyed the table that she alone had built.

I hope when the next girl comes around you start to understand how to leave that little boy shit alone and become a real man.

When this started, we could see no end.

Before we considered this anything more, we were simply “just friends”.

We could talk about anything at anytime.

No call was too late, it was always just fine.

Then you got comfortable.

Too comfortable for your own good.

You got way too comfortable way faster than you should.

I can't blame you, I make it easy.

That doesn't mean that you didn't have to put in on this, man.

This wasn't a late night creep or just a one night stand.

You stood me up.

Each time showing that you didn't give a fuck.

Not at this point but perhaps you meant to get it together down the line.

Unluckily for you, you'll soon be running out of time.

No apologies accepted, no daps respected.

No hugs or kisses left, you've now been ejected.

Thought you'd do a better job at holding your place on the roster.

You were the star player, now you have double technical fouls.

Three strikes and you're out, you're free to make your exit now.

Unsportsmanlike like conduct so no, you sure can't stay.

Too many flags on the field so no, you sure can’t play.

It would be best for the organization if you’d simply go {AWAY}.

There comes a time when you have to let people fight their own demons. As much as we want to help, it would only be hurting all parties involved. People never really learn that fight or flight when you’re constantly picking up the pieces before they hit the ground. This isn’t a game of jacks. You don’t have to see how many pieces you can pick up before the ball bounces. Let that shit bounce and roll down the damn street.

My problem is that I tend to be an enabler. Too much of an enabler, in fact. I’m not really sure of the right way to say no. I just keep going with it while they’re just chilling as if nothing is going on. How does that even make sense? Why should I care about your situation more than you care about it?

It doesn’t even have to be monetary (even though that’s where I fuck up). Supporting somebody emotionally can cause more damage than financially. It’s a lot harder to put a broken heart and shattered feelings back together than it is to work a little overtime. I always have this thing where I know that I’ll make the money back pretty quickly. That doesn’t mean that I don’t want it back. It means that i’m not pressed for it. I never have and probably never will be. If I have to write you off for money, I chalk it up as you needing it more than me and I let it sort itself out. If it gets to that point, Karma has way more time to dedicate to you than I do.

If you’re anything like me, you almost feel obligated to help people because they can’t/don’t cope with things as “easily” as you do. Stop. When the feeling is that strong, you tend to cross so many lines and disregard common sense. You’d do almost anything to see that person happy or in a better situation. Would it be the same if the tables turned? Would people be so willing to open up their home to you as you would for them? Would they be okay with the temporary inconvenience? Would it still be all good? You may have to turn it around and see if they play fair.

Sometimes it’s well within our means to assist but how much is too much? How much is enough? We usually have that gut feeling when it’s going too far. Actually following the feeling is the real task. You never really want to see people fall on their ass but sometimes that bruised tailbone may be exactly what they need to shape up.

Sometimes, you just need to withdraw, let folks bounce their own checks and figure their own shit out.

Don’t fight it.

Just like the other times, we’re here once again, baring our souls and uncovered skin.We couldn’t help it, once again. Another case of “You say he’s just a friend”. We had to go back for thirds or whatever serving this is. We never really worried about the numbers, just the handling of this forever unfinished business. Whatever you said worked because just like all of those other nights, I’m here. You leave the door open and go back to sleep as I commence to carrying out this all too familiar late night creep. It never really HAS to be late but these hours have a way holding our weight. I know that I have no business here. My flight check-in and departure times are all too near. We don’t care. It all seems worth it when you’re tapping deep below this melanin surface. You have a way of always striking gold. You do. You did. Again and again. It’s one of those guilty pleasures that you never really plan on giving up. We never really cared to explain why because we never really cared enough. Never cared enough for the opinion of others about what goes on beneath those love stained sheets and covers. This is always an indescribable high. Somehow the adrenaline rush never disappears. Sometimes I feel as though the rush cancels out all of our fears. We never really think about the backlash. There’s always something more in store. Always a reason to come back for more. Before we know it, the sun is rising. The alarm goes off. I get just a few seconds to stare at your sun-kissed skin. Just as soon as I can pull myself together, I’m hauling ass to catch a flight. Until we meet again.

  There is nothing that excites me more than visiting new places. In efforts to maximize my time while traveling and avoid waiting in lines (yes, I hate lines), I applied for Global Entry. Global Entry is a program established by U.S. Customs and Border Patrol to expedite the customs process for frequent travelers. For a small fee of $100, you can bypass the line and common annoyances of the customs process when reentering the U.S. The great part about it is that with Global Entry, you are eligible for TSA Pre-check for domestic flights as well. I don’t believe it’s guaranteed but being that you’re issued a Known Traveler Number, your chances of being selected are way higher.

Before applying, you may want to prepare yourself to ensure that you have all of the necessary documents and information. They ask A LOT of questions so please do yourself a favor and have any and everything handy. They ask about work history as well as all of your past residences in the last 5 years.

Maybe I was lucky but it literally took me 13 days from submitting the application to receiving my Global Entry card in the mail. I completed the online application on April 5, 2016. From there, I received my conditional approval the following day. On April 11, 2016, I was asked to pick an appointment location and date for the “in person” portion of the process. Newark (EWR) was booked up until May 11, 2016 so I tried the next best place, Kennedy (JFK). Surprisingly, JFK had an appointment available for the following evening.

When I got to JFK, it was very easy to locate the Global Entry office. There was an officer at the podium who asked my name and directed me to the waiting area. A video about the program played as I waited. Although I got there early, it isn’t really beneficial because people aren’t likely to miss their appointment. Expect to be seen on time or just a few minutes early.

When my name was called, I went to an office area where an officer reviewed my documents and asked me why i’m interested in the program. Honestly, I just hate waiting and since I’m pretty seasoned as far as traveling, I felt it to be a good investment. It’s also another form of government ID. I’m not sure if me being in my omplete work uniform made it that much easier but within 5 minutes, she was taking my picture and circled my Known Traveler Number (KTN). Upon approval, you’re able to start using the number immediately. Being approved for Global Entry and receiving a KTN does NOT mean you’ll get TSA Pre check with your flight plans. It’s likely but not a guarantee.

When I left the interview, I felt great. Although it is a luxury, I was proud to be approved and excited to use it for my upcoming trip abroad. According to the paper that your are given, it states that your card would arrive by mail in 7-10 business days. My countdown started as soon as I walked out of the airport.

Within a few days, my golden (not really) envelope had arrived. My picture is definitely less than flattering but i’ll just have to get over it. Instructions regarding activating the card were enclosed as was a protective sleeve. They recommend that you keep your card in the RFid case they provide or your own. Without being long-winded, RFid cases protect your cards and passports from electronic pickpockets.

As soon as it was activated, I added my newly appointed KTN to my itinerary. In the passenger information section, there’s a drop down (or something similar) that allows you to add your KTN. Once, it’s added, there’s nothing more for you to do. You do not need to carry your Global Entry card when traveling by air unless you want another form of ID. Personally, I brought mine with me so that I didn’t have to walk around with my passport.

The day of my trip arrived and I couldn’t wait to see what the process would be like. As I expected, I was granted TSA precheck. When I arrived at Newark Airport, I proceeded to the checkpoint and was met by a super long line. There was a separate line on the upper level for United Premier members as well as those with TSA Precheck. Thankfully, this one was a lot shorter. It was maybe 5 minutes that had passed between the time I got to the line and to the time that I walked through the detector.

During this process, I only had to place my carry on luggage on the belt and keep it moving. I wasn’t told to take off my jacket or boots (of course i’d be at the airport in Timbs) nor was I patted down or subjected to any other security induced violations. After retrieving my belongings, I was off to the bar nearest to my gate.

Coming home was a bit different. I did not have the luxury of precheck and the line was indeed long. Not to mention that I had overslept and they made me check my luggage but I guess we can’t always win. I hustled through the matrix and made my way to my gate.

Shortly before landing, I was given the standard CBP Declaration form that most people would fill out. Because I was going back into the U.S., it was not needed for those with Global Entry. I deplaned and followed the signs to the checkpoint. I believe most airports have designated lines but large international airports are almost guaranteed to have them. I proceeded to the line labeled “Crew, Diplomats, Global Entry”. I was literally the only person walking that way. You never really notice how much people stare until you’re skipping the whole line without a care in the world. At the end of the maze, there was about 8 designated kiosks set up along side a CBP podium and booth. The agent told me to use any machine and I began the process.

Phones aren’t allowed at CBP checkpoints and I’m really careful when it comes to security so I obeyed and you’ll have to visualize what happens next. The kiosk instructs you to insert your passport face down and it scans your information. After confirming that this is correct, you proceed to the next step which is the fingerprint scanning, located to the right hand side. You’re asked if you have any items to declare and the other standard questions on the Declaration form and then told to look in the camera. Snap! I must have been thinking too hard because my picture was a mess. Or maybe I was just making a habit out of these disastrous ass pictures. My receipt printed and I walked out. If I had to estimate the time it took to complete all of the steps, it was about 1 minute.

Luckily for me, my bag dropped down as soon as I walked out and I was on my way to another exit. I skipped yet another line with just a few people and the agent took my receipt and told me to have a nice day. All in all, I was very pleased with the Global entry process and would recommend it to anyone who travels both domestically and internationally. It may very well be the difference between missing a flight or wasting 45 minutes or more in the TSA line. I look at it as an investment as well as a luxury. $100 well spent.

For some reason, we always connect best with the worst ones. The ones who seem like diamonds to our soul but are never really worth none.

When we met, the last thing on my mind were the fairytales and fables that usually begin at those infamous VIP tables.

You know, those connections that happen oh so easily when the drinks are flowing oh so freely.

Dance after dance, song after song, drink after drink, the connection was too strong.

We went our separate ways and took the time to think about our choices. We gave into the temptation and followed those leading voices.

Days flew by, time went fast. I think we’ve both had enough and it’s about time that we crashed.

Crash onto the bed and into the covers. Crash into the idea of being wrapped around each other.

Since the whole truth was omitted, was it really a lie? Whatever the case, we still let it slide. The vibe was there so we continued to ride.

The greatest question that I have is “why?”

Why are we even here? Since we don’t have a real commitment, why do we even care?

Care to continue. Care to devour the items on this half-assed menu.

It makes no difference and we probably won’t end this because we lean on this crutch that we’ve labeled as a new “Friendship”.

How much more of this can we take? I guess the truth was only strong enough to bend us but not let this bow break.

We never made it a big thing. Never any fighting or fussing. In reality, neither of us really cared about consequences or repercussions. 

We took it for what it was worth and only thought about our temporary needs. We continued to plant what was left of these crushed up seeds.

Knowing that these vines wouldn’t grow too long, we didn’t feel as though feeding them would be too wrong.

These late nights turn to early mornings.

What we’re sharing in present time is nothing short of beautiful but what if we’re caught? What will she do to you?

I can’t imagine the pain in her heart when she realizes I’m not just a friend. When she finds out that I’m how her time away is usually spent.

Is it my fault or yours? I suppose we both are to blame. Every time we try to blow it out, it just strengthens our flame.

Our sweet dreams turn into beautiful nightmares. I keep imagining the door open and watching her appear.

She calls your phone and there’s not one bit of hesitation in your speech. You don’t seem bothered or fazed in the least. Its almost amazing how you release so easily and look so peaceful while you sleep.

How will this change us when we both should awaken? Though innocent at first, it turned out to be a dangerous risk that we’ve taken.

Still, we go back for seconds. We clean the plate and order dessert. After this meal, we can’t order again. This friendship won’t work.

It’s only too late when it’s really too late. We can drag this this on but why continue to wait?

So remove those sheets and wash away our times together. We both have done wrong but we still have time to do better.

We can’t throw stones and attempt to hide. Although the damage has been done, we should stop right here and let her reclaim Her Side.

We had to have met before.

Of course, it started out as innocent jabs that turned into way more than what was expected.

The progression was pretty damn rapid but far from rushed. It quickly became too much yet not nearly enough.

Honestly, I appreciate that this was built on honesty.

We put it all out there. You with her and me with him. How we were unhappily happy but couldn’t bring it to an end.

Now that the hard work is done, it’s time to get down to business.

I'm certain that I have a bad case of the Young’n Blues. I thought I knew the answers but I don’t have a clue.

This meeting wasn’t by chance. It was destined to happen.

Actually, It came about oh so naturally.

You know that instant click when two people meet and it feels as if they’ve known each other for years?

That was us.

We talked life goals, love and briefly mentioned our fears. There was some type of unspoken code that we shared.

We explored the city.

The weather wasn’t the greatest but it didn’t stop the show. We aimlessly walked without a single place to go.

Looking at the clock, food and drinks will always win. It always seems to get you to loosen up and begin to let someone in.

Lunch was good. The conversation was great. The only concern was how we’d end this date. We let the next few drinks be in control of our fate.

We discussed our situations and it made no difference because this was the start of our brand new friendship. By no means were we ready to end this.

This. This. This night of mystery.

No judgement. No hesitations. No worry of destination beyond this recently booked hotel reservation.

Hand in hand, we made our way through these busy streets. Everything felt perfect, we had yet to miss a beat.

Late nights turned into early morning sessions. No more drunken thoughts as we bask in these sober transgressions.

The drinks wore off yet we still stood by our choices. No shame or wishing that we’d listened to those shoulder voices.

Who better to be with when breaking all of the rules? Stella got her groove back all thanks to you. Just promise to keep it honest and to always stay true. Damn you and this case of the Young’n Blues.

Just Jump. Being in your comfort zone can only take you so far Why limit yourself?

When I went to Jamaica, I didn't know what to expect. I didn't feel as if I was in danger but it was different going alone. I can't say that I didn't enjoy myself but again, it was different. As far as creativity goes, you're only as creative as your surroundings. This trip came shortly after I had decided to start putting more effort and energy into my writing. I was highly motivated. I'd write for hours. I'd bring my book everywhere. It made me feel good. Jamaica gave me a new source of inspiration. If for nothing else, I was happy that I took the trip to help ease my mind.

From the moment when I had landed, I felt like something was off. Not a really bad off but not comfortable. Mainly because I was in this foreign country without anyone that I knew. By the time that I had gotten through customs, I was uneasy. Where was the "Welcome shot" that I desperately needed? Outside on the curb, I watched dozens of families reunite and drive off. Where was my ride? Just before my worries went into overdrive, my ride pulled up. I sat back and observed as we made our way through the country side. It was nothing completely new to me but it was a different story to actually be there. I took pictures and asked questions. I fit right in with the crew. We ate and made our way to my hotel.

I forgot how beautiful country areas and "regular" people were. When you're so used to people doing the most and being so superficial, it was cool to see "Everyday People". I watched the interactions. I read the signs. I took it all in. Despite staying in a tourist area, it felt nothing like that. I stayed at Mom's Place, a small, family-owned hotel. It had direct beach access and free wifi. The lovely couple who owed the property were so nice. It felt like I was staying with relatives. They made sure that I was comfortable. They explained that security would monitor the beach entrance as they locked the main entrance after hours. Best of all, they lived on property so they would be available to assist me if need be. I felt somewhat at home in this foreign place. The only thing that made me feel out of place was my accent. I ordered food like a local. I quickly learned the exchange rate and paid like a local. I visited local places. I was a local at the moment. I was looking forward to the experience and taking a break from "it all".

The next day, we drove around and they showed me their stomping grounds. We stopped for food at roadside jerk pits. We picked up my friend's sister and maneuvered through the streets of Little London as well as Sav-La-Mar. When they told me that we were going to "Da River", I really thought it was a regular ass river or some type of tourist attraction. Little did I know, It would turn out to be one of the dopest places that I'd ever been. We drove through the countryside and what seemed to be up into the mountains. After making our way through the winding roads, we turned into the makeshift parking lot. Because it was during the week, things were quiet. I was told that on weekends, the restaurant opens and its like a party. We got out and every one had their beach clothes on. Of course I was unprepared and ended up going in with shorts and a tank top. It felt like being a kid again minus the alcohol that was freely poured as we sat on the rocks.

Besides us, there was only 3 other people there which made it that much better. It was relaxing. We told jokes, made videos, took pictures and just enjoyed the moments in between sips. It was every bit of tranquility and relaxation. I loved it. From the fish swimming around my feet to the sound of the rushing water to the company of the people I came with. It was undeniably beautiful.

For my last night in Jamaica, we had a beachside cookout. We went to the fish market and picked out everything that we needed. I got to pick what my main fish would be and it was bagged separately. Even though I wasn't feeling good for part of the trip, I made the most of it. I made friends and checked another country off of my list. That made it worth it. On the morning of, the guys got up super early and met me at the hotel. They cleaned and prepared everything. I wrote and relaxed.

While they prepared the food, I took this free time to go to Rick's Cafe. If you know anything about Jamaica, Rick's is a huge tourist attraction with killer sunsets and cliff diving. Before I went, I spoke to my mom and she had a fit when I mentioned that I wanted to jump. My mind was made up. I was jumping. When we got to Rick's it just seemed like your typical restaurant on the water. That was until I saw the view. It was beautiful. People from all over the world came here to admire its beauty. There was no denying it. People lined up for their chance to jump. I watched from a nice distance as I mentally prepared myself for this 35 foot jump. People did flips off of the edge and others backed out before they got to it. I wouldn't be one of those people who backed out. At this point, two older gentleman noticed that I was preparing to jump. They were absolutely correct. They made a friendly wager as I folded my clothes and handed my phone to my friend.

I walked up to the line and for whatever reason, the employee in charge denied me. I was pissed. He suggested that I go to the lower level first. I wasn't having it. I didn't come all the way here to do some weak ass jump. I stepped back to let those behind me go and took a few deep breaths. When I got back to the front of the line, he gave me that look again. I told him that I was here to jump and we can do this on a 3 count. If I didn't jump when he got to 3, that was it for me.  The whole line was on my side. People pulled out their phones and we all got ready as a unit. "One, Two, THREE!" I stepped off and prayed that I didn't fall flat on my back like the girl ahead of me. Splash! I was officially a jumper. It was nothing short of amazing. It gave me courage as if doing the jump wasn't courage enough. The intensity of my jump knocked my bathing suit top out of place. I swam back to the ladder and made the best of it. I guess that's a part of the reason people parked it at the stairs. Whatever, creeps. Nothing could kill my joy at this moment.

When I made it back to my phone, my friend said that he didn't catch the jump on camera because I didn't give him the signal. I was crushed. It wouldn't be the same if I did it again just for a video. As we walked back to the top, he landed me my phone and showed me the video. I was so happy. I loved it. I partially felt like all of my insecurities and fears had been washed away. I was proud of myself.

By the time we got back, our guests were arriving and things were just about to jump off. I changed and waited for my friend's sister to come over. She was the only female that I knew out of the bunch. I introduced myself and made a few drinks for everyone. We enjoyed the food, drinks and company. I enjoyed my last night in this beautiful country. I was happy that I took the trip. Any issues that I thought were major now became minor. I felt like I was gaining a different kind of control over my life. It worked for me. Take chances because you'll regret most of the ones you don't take instead of working with the ones you did.

Take that jump!