06.22.2019

We crave change but fear the outcome when the opportunity presents itself. The nightmares of being uncomfortable so easily kill all of those daydreams of a different life. 

The fear of not knowing. 

The fear of falling.

The fear of failing. 

We cringe at the idea of having to take a step or two back to move forward.

It’s not in your character to allow this type of energy to consume you. Replace that “what if” with “why not?” 

One push of a button had started what would become a 2-day “pack-a-thon.”

A decision so rash that I didn't even have the time to process what was happening.

As I sit on this train with all of my worldly possessions packed neatly in my truck, I wonder if I'm making the right decision. 

This time around, can I pull this off?

No, It’s not my first time packing it up and relocating, but this feels different. “What if” keeps coming to mind. Despite having faced greater adversity, it still scared me. Why am I scared of doing something I felt was necessary? 

It was weird but wanted. 

This whole situation felt nostalgic. 

Ready to turn around, I stuck with it and followed through. 

No, the transition wasn’t seamless. No, I wasn't completely prepared or organized but I did it. 

I’m forever thankful for those who are always willing to lend an arm and a leg. This move had changed the dynamic of many relationships. It repositioned my mind and forced me to face certain things. It forced me to set a goal and follow through. 

“What you gon do when the pressures on?” Jeezy told me that.

It’s been almost a year since I moved back to Miami and I can’t lie, I LOVE IT. 

Last night, I had a dream that I was involved in a terrible crash. As we crossed the bridge, I could feel that something was wrong. It all happened in slow motion. I had always wondered what I’d do if we went under but never had I expected it. How would I get out? Would I put up a fight? We looked around with terror in our eyes. I noticed that the distance between us and the water began to decrease. There were seconds left before impact, and I was still unsure of which way to go. I began to pray to any and every higher power that I could imagine. Stumbling over my thoughts and words, I braced myself. I knew that it would hurt more than anything that I’d ever felt. Seconds later, we’d hit the water and slowly began to sink. This accident was nothing that I ever imagined in my wildest dreams. It didn’t have me scrambling. I wasn’t injured or in agony. 

As crazy as it sounds, it was almost peaceful. 

As the space filled with water, I looked around to see what I could use to get out. I reached for a hammer in the corner and began to pry the lining off of the windows. The closer that I came to breaking the barrier, the softer the tool became. After a while, it was like a ball of mush. No longer making progress, I tried using my bare hands to continue where I left off. With splinters in my hand and blood beginning to surface, I desperately clawed my way out as everyone else stood there in a frozen state. Why weren’t they helping? Were they okay with the fact that death was quickly approaching? I was so confused.

I took a second to regroup and noticed that the very people that I expected and hoped would help me were nowhere around. They had escaped with ease and with help. You could see their camps set up in the distance, as I desperately tried to free those who were stuck with me onboard. I couldn’t understand why they had abandoned us. 

Water began to fill the car, and I felt my feet begin to lift off of the ground. With limited air and my head tilted back, I began to replay the good, the bad, and ugly that life had brought me. Tears filled my eyes as deep breaths became gurgles. No longer willing to fight it, I started to relax and rest my body. 

I walked towards the light. 

Greeted by my favorite people, I embraced the changes set before me and accepted that nothing would be the same from this point on. With a clear mind and a full heart, I took another step forward. With open ears, I listened to the sweet sounds of death and new life co-mingling on one dope ass soundtrack. Everything that I’d typically run to for comfort and security had become distant memories. Everything that was once so familiar became things that I no longer associated myself with. 

This moment was uncomfortable yet relaxing. I had spent so much time doing what I thought people expected. I neglected myself and the things that I wanted. I put things that I needed in a place that I never intended to revisit. Not once did I think about what could be if I had trusted myself and my pure instincts. For so long, I had suppressed those feelings and thoughts that it was way more than uncomfortable to tap into them. It was almost forbidden. I had lost my free-spirit. I had lost the very pieces that made me. 

When I woke up, I was no longer a lost soul. I began to walk in my purpose. I embraced the things in life that I loved but deprived myself of for so long. How could a situation like this lead to such an enlightening experience and revelation? Forgiveness had flooded my soul. Resentment has left the room. 

I am Her. She is Me.

I had no reason to think that letting our creative worlds collide would somehow end up being just short of an Extinction Level Event. Things that we want so desperately tend to start off being so perfect and too good to be true.

Every star was aligned. Every light was green.

The temperature was just fine, so we didn't even hesitate when we got in. Surrounded by calm waters, we held hands as we fully submerged ourselves. We couldn’t sink or swim. The current had no problem with guiding us to our next point.

Neither of us knew where we'd end up or what it would take to get there, but we were in too deep. Too far gone. Without a real plan or actual direction, we struggled. We couldn't pinpoint what we wanted to do on this journey. We used it for our own benefits. I wanted someone who made me feel special. You wanted someone to rest your burdens on. We played those roles for as long as we could.

Sooner than later, we grew tired of wading. Tired of holding on to miscellaneous items to help us stay afloat. Letting go began to look like the better option. Why are we still here? No closer to land. No closer to being rescued. No closer to saving ourselves.

Not all collisions are total losses, but this was one to be wholly written off. No longer involved in your decision making, I held on a bit longer. Pulling myself to safety, I watched as you found someone new to subject to your reckless ways. I felt a bit of guilt as I remembered how deadly our encounter was. This was also no longer my problem. I'd already served my sentence in your mental institution.

At this point, I'm just glad it was no longer me.

Farewell.

Do you even know what you want anymore?

There was a time when you craved "The Good Life." Beautiful crib, couple of kids. Date nights with a good girl turned great wife.

It's as if we're at a standstill. How long do you expect me to let you push me away while I continue to pull us up this damn hill?

We're looking in two different directions. There are days when I look in the mirror and see your reflection.

With our eyes locked, I begin to recite all of the sweet things that you used to tell me. Replaying all of those nights we'd sit with our fingers intertwined, recounting all of those bridges that you used to sell me.

I'm not buying. I can't take another night of rocking myself to sleep because I'm tired of crying.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurting. Steady trying to fix something, knowing that it isn't working. This love is beyond broken.

You've done everything that you said you wouldn't. Now I'm sitting here facing all of the tough decisions that I felt I couldn't.

Thanks to you, I was forced to be stronger. You kept cutting my circulation off, so it made no sense holding on to this tight ass rope any longer.

This may not be goodbye, so I guess I'll see you later. Maybe one day we'll cross paths again and become something greater.

The common sense in me knows that it's unlikely. You've spent so much time searching for someone better, but you failed to realize that there's nobody like me.

At some point, you'll have to accept it. There aren't many people who will stick with you when life gets this hectic.

When it came to you, I was one of them. Women come a dime a dozen, but we both know that I'm one of one.

No, I won't force your hand. No, I don’t need any more tissue. Just remember when the next storm comes, standing by you to weather it is no longer my issue.

Every night at the same time, we’d stand side by side, digging matching plots.

Some would say that moving mounds of dirt just to bury ourselves is gruesome.

To us, it was bonding time. We’d spent many nights getting to know each other. We explored our ins and outs, speaking about our flaws and doubts.

We were in this together.

We planned it down to the socks. We had matching outfits and shoes. We chose the purest of whites. Waves spinning and fro flourishing.

It was beautiful.

We kept trying to preserve our youth, but we'd soon have to face the truth.

There was no way that we’d be able to walk away and feel even decent about it.

Our connection was immortal. It would live forever, the one thing that we could never do.

The ground beneath us started to become unstable.

Some nights, it felt like there was no end to this digging that we’d been doing.

As the hole I dug went deeper, you seemed to become more distant. What changed? What was so different?

We no longer maneuvered as one, no longer working towards the same cause.

As I continued to dig, I noticed that you’d frequently pause.

Well, well, well. What do we have here?

No matter how you try to spin this, you’ve made it crystal clear.

You were too busy faking to realize all of the mistakes you'd been making.

Each extra scoop of dirt you tossed in my direction worked out better for me and served as added protection.

You underestimated the fact that this has never been a crystal stair.

“The Lord is the light and my salvation. Whom shall I fear?”

I came into this situation prepared.

Despite how much you said you would, I had a feeling that you wouldn’t always be there.

I was right.

At this point, it’s no need for you to continue putting up a fight.

Time after time, you betrayed me.

You put me through the wringer then acted like I was crazy.

The clouds darkened and the air was no longer still.

No longer under your spell, I'm not staying beyond my will.

The extra dirt gave me greater leverage to leave.

There’s no turning back from here, so it’s either you or me.

I already have the upper hand so say your last words before you look up and wave.

This will be the last thing we do together. May your soul rest in this shallow grave.

“Shhh, Be Quiet.” - @JuvietheGreat

---

At some point, we have to learn how to use our inside voices. Everything isn’t for everybody. Beyond that, stop being so loud and wrong. Have you ever been in a public place and overheard a conversation that you KNOW should’ve taken place in the comfort and privacy of someone’s own space? Now you’re looking at them like they’re crazy or you’re stuck wondering what the person on the other end of the story’s take is? Think about how many insider secrets are floating around amongst us. It may not even be hurtful (since we don’t know who it’s about), but it still leaves a mark. Imagine feeling so entitled that you always need to hold a call in a train car full of people who want to get from A to B, minding their own business, read their book or play games on their phone. People are so quick to tell someone to mind their own business while simultaneously inviting them in. Sometimes, the conversations are so close that you want to chime in and give your 2 cents.

I was having a conversation the other day, and although I wasn’t loud, it was close to others. About an hour later, one of the people in the room asked about something that I had mentioned. My writing isn’t a secret, but I didn’t think that he was listening. Can you imagine what else he could have heard?

Content and volume are important when having conversations in both public and private settings. It’ll hurt when the right information makes it to the wrong ears. Keep it cute and simple or keep it to yourself. You can’t be loud or on speaker and expect those around you to go deaf for your convenience. It’s also okay to use headphones, or you can just put the phone up to your ear. Shit, you can send a text. Don’t subject us to your sensitive, private or trivial conversations. We appreciate your understanding and cooperation with this matter.

Your inside voice can also be keeping shit to yourself. You don’t need to announce every move you’re going to make. Leave a little to the imagination. Leave something to be desired. Your inside voice is keeping a select few abreast of accomplishments and goals. People can’t hate or plot on things that they don’t know. Some can’t wait to throw shade or salt in the wound. Some are waiting for the moment you don’t get that promotion or whatever goal that you just blasted across social media. Don’t get me wrong, we celebrate the good and work on improving the bad, but we aren’t inviting negativity in our circles. We can’t expose ourselves to the bullshit. Knowing when to fall back is your inside voice. Sometimes we need to speak through actions, other times we speak by not reacting.

Know how to do both. Keep them guessing and leave them shellshocked. Shock the fuck out of yourself. Talk your shit through actions.

Signed,

We Don’t Want To Hear That Shit, Fam

My father warned me about guys like you. Instead of staying clear, I had to test the waters to see if the hype was true.

It wasn’t long before I realized that it was. I had no business fucking with these drugs or these thugs.

I knew about the guns in the trap house, every block you ran and the work in the stash house. Something about his thug passion, he put it down until we tapped out. We’d get high and then we’d pass out.

I could’ve gotten out early, but I was addicted to the paper. What never dawned on me was the type of loss that I’d take later.

The material things made my heart skip a beat. Versace on my body and Louboutin on my feet.

It’s a real fine line between being an asset instead of a liability. I doubt you would’ve let me get this deep if you weren't feeling me.

We built a high level of trust and understanding. Who knew that being a Down Ass Chick would turn out to be so damn demanding?

At any given moment, I could tell the drop-offs and pickups. He needed someone from the outside looking in to monitor loose ends or hiccups.

Whenever he’d call, no matter when, I came running. If Daddy needs a shooter, no hesitation, I was gunning.

Real life Bonnie and Clyde, we knew that we could take over the game. We came to fuck shit up. We came to bring the pain.

I knew it was coming, but I couldn't pinpoint the exact time. Wasn’t long before I was staring down the barrel of a rival's black Nine.

I stood there in shock, somewhat frozen in time. I waited for you to come through the door blazing. This time, it was my life on the line.

Nowhere to be found, my heart shattered. It was me or the drugs. I didn't know which option mattered.

You could always find another Bonnie even if she isn’t perfect. You could always find another plug but was losing everything worth it?

Now we stand in silence. Do we hash it out peacefully or resort to the violence?

A split second decision is all that you’ll get. Better hope that your aim is on point and it’s your target that you hit.

What I never got to tell you was that I was carrying your baby. As I closed my eyes, the door swung open. You came to save your lady.

He pulled the trigger before I could duck. From the looks of things, this was the day that I’d run out of luck.

His eye wasn’t on the prize so he missed. I’m sure y’all know the rest. The bullets from your 40 Cal gave him the kiss of death.

Bang

Now that 2019 is rolling off to a running start, how much momentum do you have to contribute to it? It’s as if we always go above and beyond for the first few weeks and like clockwork; we fall off come February 1st. Something in the air slows us down and leads us back into that slow roll. It’s really up to you to keep it going. Are you making strides to make your situation better? Are you revising your resume for that new job? Are you practicing for that promotion? Are you dressing the damn part? Are you staying away from the bullshit?

I know the new year can be overwhelming and there may be a lot of pressure to change (I’m not even sure why we wait for the new year to get shit done), but life doesn’t work like that. You should be working around the clock to make the days count instead of counting the days. Like many, I’ve figured out a few different ways to achieve my goals without feeling like its a chore. Breaking large goals down into smaller ones is essential. Just think about all of the goals that you continue to write down and not check off due to the inability to complete the whole task. Something is satisfying and motivating about checking goals off of your list as you add new ones. Work with your goals as you work on them. I hope that doesn’t go over your head.

It may be a daunting task but rearranging your finances can also help with your goals. We are so much more productive when we aren’t worrying about money. Even the slightest relief can help you to focus on other tasks. Eliminate frivolous spending. Cards with high balances and interest rates should be used sparingly, if at all. Anything extra that you can put on debt helps. People mention the snowball method (paying the smallest balance off first) since it’s easier to see progress.

With reduced debt comes increasing savings. I’ve never been a “good saver,” but I always saved enough to do things that I needed to do. Saving wasn’t an issue when I had a job that not only paid well but also allowed me to make a killing in tips. Everybody ordered gratuity. It was a real eye-opener when I no longer had the luxury of tips. I was forced to look at my finances and pay attention to where my money went. After experimenting with various savings challenges, opening a savings certificate with my credit union was my way of saving without transferring money back to my checking.

With a new year comes those “I’m cutting people off” head asses. Don’t wait or announce it. Explanations aren't needed. No warnings. You’re in control of what you put out there and what/who you allow in your space. On the other hand, sometimes you are the problem. If you’re falling out with people over the same shit every time, maybe it’s time for you to reevaluate what you’re putting out there. For example, I fall out with people over money. I now know that if we’re going to be friends, I can’t loan money that I’ll want back or we’ll need some collateral for the loan. If those terms and conditions don’t work for you, holla at the bank or the payday loan place and pay the people their 25% interest. Let us know how that works out for you.

In 2019, we’re working on mental, physical, emotional and financial growth. We need to be flourishing in all aspects. If what you’re about to do disrupts or hinders any of those, be sure that there isn’t a better route. Energy takes the path with the least resistance. That doesn’t mean it’s the best route. Plan what you can but be prepared for instant change. I say all of that to say this; make the most of your days. Enjoy your time because it’s the longest thing that we know. Glow the fuck up for 2019!