Hello Beautiful,

I'm hoping sooner than later you finally see the beauty of the You in you.

If you've ever forgotten your worth, I’m here to remind you. Don’t you ever give people that power; don’t let these people define you.

More often than not, you feel as if you have to stay strong. As if you have to be “unbothered” by those who have done you wrong.

You can’t look for the answers in a bottomless barrel or a boat with a hole in it. They want to hear all about your situation as long as there’s no goal in it.

Sometimes intentions change, and the laundry unfolds. It’s okay to question motives and not just believe what you're told.

You were you before they came in and pretended that they cared. You were you long before you told them your deepest fears. Stay clear.

Stay away from those users and leaches. Stay clear of those who spill your margaritas and litter on your beaches.

You don’t need this.

The sooner you step back and begin to understand your worth, the sooner you stop catering to others and start to put yourself first.

Don’t mistake your gift for a curse.

It’s time for you to learn to love yourself a lot more. Do it because it’s natural. Don’t look at it as a chore.

Give yourself more.

When your pockets are bare, and your soul is empty, who will you call on? When you lose your balance and can’t stay upright, who will you fall on?

You have to be your biggest fan. You have to be the one to save yourself. Grab your own damn hand.

You were afraid to face the facts, but you already knew it. So many smiling faces with bad vibes, you can't expect them to help you get through it.

Blot your make up. You don’t want the tears to smudge it. Don’t feel bad or harbor hate — no need for holding grudges.

Instead, let’s call them tears of joy.

If they could, they’d try to uplift you more than they have. They’d see it’s easier to take small steps towards the good instead of thriving off the bad.

Then there’s the “ugly.” All those years of feeling less than, I wish I had me to hug me.

To love me.

To stick around through the good and bad. To place nobody above me.

You may not understand now, but you have a real purpose. No matter if you think so or not, please believe that you’re more than worth it.

Falling for you was inevitable. I couldn't stop it. I prayed to every higher power that you’d be gentle with my heart and never drop it.

You were able to admit when you were wrong, on the days you’d almost fumble. You chose to correct the issue instead of seeing our love crumble.

I still wonder how we found each other. How can we make this last forever and never have to love another?

I know it’s hard, finding and trusting new love when both of our hearts are scarred.

That’s the beauty of it all. Tripping and stumbling over each other, waiting for one another to fall.

We fell together. You know that there’s strength in our numbers, we make each other better.

Your actions show me how much you’re into it. We started from the basics and developed something so intricate.

I can’t explain it. Young, wild and free, I’m not sure how to tame it.

You make it hard to catch my breath, yet you breathe more life into me. It frightens me. I’ve seen so many dark days, but you ignited a light in me.

I see you. No, I really SEE you. I love your flaws and all. Please know that it’s alright to wholeheartedly be you.

From misguided to a leader, I watched you change. You openly accepted all that you stood to gain.

Now, that’s real King shit. You have a Queen by your side, and I’m happy you see it. This is some “We” shit.

Together we stand tall as we walk towards our throne. Unpacked our bags and moved in, each other’s hearts are our homes.

We all know that everyone needs someone to vent to and its tough to deny someone that deep breath and exhale but be cautious. So many people will mentally and emotionally unload on you in hopes for you to stop what you’re doing and save the day. Never mind that they never even bothered to check on you before unloading a full clip. You can't remember the last time they hit you up, but you’re almost positive that it was something one-sided and full of weird energy. As lovely as it is to be so upfront with your selfishness, it wouldn’t be bad for you to put a little butter on the toast first. Pour a few sips in my cup sometimes. Damn.

Many of the best users are good at always needing money for something. If you’re able to work and make money, you should be doing so by any means. People fall on hard times, but damn. Are you going to give it your all before you stick your picky paws out? People have been selling and bartering their goods (material things, not your body, unless that’s what you’re into) since the beginning of time. Why are you so opposed to selling material things for the sake of paying a bill or having money in your pockets?

So many people buy designer because it is an “investment” but are afraid to lose it for a greater cause. If people can pawn their rings, family heirlooms, and electronics; you should have no problem selling your Chanel bag or Gucci sneakers. All of that shit is temporary. If you can no longer afford it, you should get rid of it. Don’t inconvenience us because you can’t get your shit together and aren’t trying to. You would rather drown your issues in designer than to build up a savings or some rainy day funds. How convenient. These “investments” that you hold so near are replaceable. I guess its different strokes for different folks.

Question: Who are you trying to impress while you’re struggling to get from point A to B. Better yet, who are you trying to impress if your phone only works on wifi? You can pay your bill for months by selling one pair of shoes or a purse. But let me guess, that’s beneath you. I don’t care to count your coins at all because I have my coinage to manage. At the same time, do you know how much of a slap in the face it is to help someone who isn’t making an effort to help themselves? Not only that, helping those who instantly forget that you helped them always leaves a bad aftertaste. These are the reasons why people say, “If you can’t afford to lose it, you can’t afford to loan it.” That’s not even the point, but it does hold some truth.

Since when is it a better option to inconvenience those around you or use people instead of working harder and smarter? I don’t give a damn what happens; I’ll always want my money back. Instead of hitting happy hour for double shots maybe you should be doing a double at work or doubling down on your job search. It won’t help to skip your nail or hair appointment either. In addition to what you’re adding, have you once thought about how much your friends have on their shoulders? We can’t tell people how to live their lives or where to put their money, but we can limit how much we let them disrupt ours. I say that to say this: Figure it out for yourself, ungrateful ass.

We started this thing off steady but slow.

Not the slow where people rush you at a green light but more like taxiing on a runway as you prepare to take flight.

The "fasten seatbelt" sign is on so let's be sure that we use it. We both talked a good game so now is our chance to prove it.

We followed the blue lights and let the runway be our guide. Use caution as things tend to shift in flight. We can't allow that ruin our ride.

The turbulence may get real so there may be a few bumps and bruises.

For example, we may bump into a few of our old flings, but we’re onto something good here, no need to revisit those old things.

Bruises to our egos and maybe a few on our hearts. Just enough to pull us closer together instead of tearing us apart.

It was you who got this thing started. It was you who kept the wind beneath our wings after our flight had departed.

It’s times and vibes like this where you can't fight the feeling. After being unappreciated for so long, you showed up with mental and sexual healing.

And now we soar. So free and so high that we continuously want more.

The bell chimes.

The seatbelt sign is no longer lit. I'm not sure if you're pondering what I'm pondering, but I'm not sure how much longer I can sit...

Sit here making this eye contact that we're oh so fond of before we take full advantage of joining the illustrious "Mile High Club."

I'm not sure about what came over me. They say that the tongue is mightier than the sword, but you used both tonight. I swear you took ahold of me. I almost lost control of me.

We both know that a closed mouth won't get fed. In the same breath, you put your mouth up to my plate and stood by everything that you said.

Go 'head.

It was every inch of your being that contributed to the butterflies in my stomach and the fireworks that I'm seeing. It was inevitable that our flight plans became crossed so I'm just you'ing, and you're just me'ing. Let's continue to make it worthwhile as we continue we'ing.

Before we know it, we begin to descend. Time with you is never enough, and I don't want it to end.

You seem to understand me. We agree to tread lightly because we both know how difficult situations like this can be.

This is now our favorite pastime and a way to have fun but let's live in the now, today's lesson is done.

They said “Don’t bite the apple, Chan,” but I had to. I can’t remember the last time I wanted something as bad as I want you.

We’d often pass each other in silence, hoping that one of us would say something. Hoping that we were beyond the frontin’ and admit what it is that we're both wanting.

Each other.

We crossed paths again, and time seemed to be at a standstill. You towered over me as I looked up at you.

It was now or never. It was all natural vibes, we didn't need to come up with pickup lines or anything clever.

We grinned.

Something keeps telling me that I probably shouldn’t. With a connection like ours, I can’t think of any valid reason why we wouldn’t.

Unsure of what would come next, we slowly bit into one another. We watched as we exploded in front of each other. No time to duck. No time to run for cover.

Although it escalated quickly, we still took it slow. At this point, it would be our best bet is to go with the flow.

A little vulnerable at the time but I still felt protected.

We connected.

This is a cold world, but you provided a certain level of heat. You made it easy for our bodies and souls to meet.

Who knew that this would taste so sweet?

You took your time as you peeled back each protective layer until my core was exposed. I stood there baring my all, but in no way did I feel cold.

You made it clear that I wasn’t alone.

This is something that neither of us would take for granted. Why wouldn’t we stick around to see the results of the seeds that we’d planted?

Our garden is so fruitful.

I think that we both knew that it would be this beautiful.

So nourishing. A garden that is forever flourishing.

There was so much to be desired with no need to be mentioned. As sure as my river runs deep and your soldier stands at attention.

You made me feel at ease.

What are we doing? I suppose we’ll take a closer look at these Beautiful Ruins.

No nervous drinking. No fidgeting. No overthinking.

We knew what we initially set out to do. Less wondering about it & more me on top of you.

You showed off your bark as you tapped into my sap.

If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a noise? I’m trying to keep my composure and my poise.

It’s our show. I want you to make it a movie.  

I should be careful what I wish for, now you’re In Too Deep.

With every touch and every stroke, I can’t control it. You grin as you’re in it, but it’s too good to hold it.

We’ll have to let this one go and start another round.

Face down, ass up. Back arched, booty round.

The moans got louder. I know you hear my body calling. One of us has to tap out, or we’ll be at this all morning.

The sunlight hits and you tell me to turn over. Oh my goodness, it’s even better when we’re sober.

This fruit salad is too damn good, I never want this to stop. We have to go our separate ways, but it was worth every drop

Until we meet again, I’ll stay juicy and stay patient. Just remember who runs this show and who is the Brains of This Operation…

Sometimes I wonder if it’s easier to stay here or to walk away from you completely. 
You constantly force me to pack up all of your lies and drag them to our door. For each lie that I pack away, you unfold two more. 
I don’t know which bags are heavier. Is it the suitcases or the ones underneath my eyes?
These nights have been sleepless. I don’t know how many times a week I've changed these pillowcases. Each one soaked with love-stained tears. They stream down my face, slowly revealing the pain that this designer makeup can’t even hide.
How dare you come all up and through here with these ill intentions. Every time that I'm ready to disconnect your power, you’re allowed another extension.
Why are you here?
I’m tired of paying the bills in this unhappy home.
Our curb appeal is not as refreshing as it once was. This manicured lawn and freshly paved driveway no longer give me positive feelings. 
It has become quite dreadful.
I took a deep breath and continued towards the porch that we once enjoyed together.
Opening our door has never felt so exhausting. I’ve done this one million times before but today was different.
I felt the resistance.
My heart is long overdue for some healing. My eyes can’t seem to focus as I stare at our family portraits. These meticulously placed accent pieces no longer fit in. This chandelier can never deliver the amount of light that’s needed to illuminate my world.
I’m spinning on a tilted axis.
I put my heart on this basketball court, but you’re talking about practice.
Come on man; we're talking Practice?
Where is the love? Every single day you sweep a little bit more of our dirt underneath a different rug.
Out of sight, out of mind. This wall clock no longer ticks so if we’re going by that, are we wasting time?
Our pantry is half empty. The optimism in here has quickly diminished.
Our fridge is no longer a place for perishables. The roses on the kitchen table no longer set the mood. They hang low in remembrance of this dying love.
What went wrong?
Making my way up to the master bedroom is bittersweet. These are the same walls that once held our happiness together. They knew all of our secrets and fantasies. The both of us, in our most vulnerable state. In our entirety. These walls protected our love from the inside out. They were our first line of defense.
I glance to the right and spot our closet door knocked off of its hinges. How can it sit there exposing our naked hangers and empty drawers? We have nothing left to shield us from this cold, cold world.
An empty vanity watches from across the room. I can recall sitting there putting on my poker face, day after day. You should look good even if you feel like shit, right?
Not today.
No concealer is thick enough to mask this tired face. I thought that we had put down an even foundation.
Boy, was I wrong?
It’s time to work on a new canvas. A clean slate, if you will. There’s only so many times that you can patch things up before you have to break it down and start all over.
I think that point is near.
The memories play over in my head like a flipbook as I complete this last walk through. It’s oddly satisfying thinking about how much this divorce will cost you. The irreconcilable differences are the only things that we can agree on these days.
Why not get it over with instead of the taking the route that we’re going? You’ve already ruined our beautiful home, what more do you need? My heart won’t let me stay here. The air seems unusually thick this time around. I’ve tried to make it work, honest to goodness. Some things just aren’t meant to be. To be able to set myself free from your grasp, I’ll leave these keys where they land, and you can kiss my ass. Goodbye.

Love,

Chan

It's not me, it's you. 
It was you who decided to open the door and invite me inside of your everyday life. 
It was you who chose me as someone you could confide in. Someone to shield you from outsiders and let your emotions reside in. 
It was you who felt the need to take down the barrier, inviting me to climb your fence knowing that there’s a chance you’d let me fall. 
You did. 
Somehow, you forgot to include some significant details when you met me. Some days I wonder why you won't just forget me. Each time that I try to move on, it’s like you don’t want to let me. 
The body language between us is stronger than any of the words that we can't speak. Every touch, every stroke, every encounter is unique. In a sense, it made us weak. 
Our logic and ability to reason were compromised in the process. We loved it to damn near hating it. It shunted our progress. 
We’ve turned this into something like a 12-step program, admitting is our first step. As I move towards step 2, I see your face or get a text. 
Now, it’s back to step 1. I look in the mirror and see parts of you in the reflection of myself. It’s turned into a lost cause. You can’t get sober if you are opposed to getting help. 
Another love-drunk night with angry calls and screaming. There’s no denying that we are both the reason. 
From the looks of it, you can’t let go of me just as I can’t let go of you. It’d be easier to just say that we’re through but that’s not what our kind of “lovers” do. 
Somehow, we've found our happy place. No more late night calls or drunk texts, just “hello” & “take care” when we’re standing face to face. 
It’s working. Still, every once in a while, I feel the old “us” lurking. 
It’s hiding in the shadows of each corner that I turn. I’ve seen this happen before. Next comes the crash and then the burn. 
We can’t afford to start another fire after just getting this one under control. Sometimes the heat is so comforting, but you use a different side of your brain when you’re outside in the cold. 
I see Step 2 in the distance. The closer I get to it, the more I feel the resistance. 
This time around, I’m stronger. The games we’ve played have conditioned me to hold on to my cards much longer. 
I’m persistent. Staying away isn’t the problem. It’s learning to coexist and understand how our relationship is different. 
There’s no doubt that I miss you and still care but let’s be together from afar... Me over here and you over there. 

What does the future have in store for our people? 

Perhaps a future where we’re respected and treated as equals?

Maybe a real leader to turn us in the right direction. 

Perhaps a place where law enforcement is serving and protecting.

Nothing more than a room full of wealthy, corrupt politicians.

They’re no better than those who cook up work in the kitchen.

Every man for themselves. No help, no assistance.

We’re welcome in the area as long as we keep our distance.

Don’t come too close and don’t speak too loud.

Don’t learn too much and don’t be too proud.

Proud of your accomplishments or overcoming the struggle.

In their eyes, an “underachiever” who thinks is nothing but trouble.

A future where this country’s history was not some kind of mystery. 

A place where February isn’t the only month in which we celebrate Black history. 

Why not a place where you’re not attacked for not putting your hand over your heart?

A future where we aren’t doomed and disadvantaged from the start.

When will people care about humans more than they do their pets?

I can’t believe the way that this country treats our disabled Vets.

One day, everyone will unite in the face of danger.

No one will be reluctant to give a helping hand to a stranger.

A place where unjust laws don’t permanently disable our youth.

We know they were meant to cripple us so why just not tell the truth?

How about a future where your friends have your best interest at heart. 

There’s no reason why we can’t bounce ideas or be supportive from the start. 

Nothing wrong with a future where there are little worries about having money.

There’s no reason why such a rich world has so many people who are hungry.

We know that you can’t choose family, but you can choose the one’s you talk to.

Make today the day that they never control any of the doors that you walk through. 

In the future, make sure that you stand your ground.

Be sure never to let anyone or anything drag you down.

If you do nothing else, always stand tall and talk your shit.

When they act as if you owe them something, give them your ass to kiss.

I could be asking for a lot but discussing the future is a must. 

How about we start off in the now with more Love, Honesty, and Trust?

Love,

Chan